The Terrible Tale of the Akatsuki
by Lychenne Laki
Summary: ...And the effects of Christmas excess. This is all about how the Akatsuki would spend their holidays. Featuring orochimaru, kimimaro, lots of yaoi. Rated M for: sex, drugs, rock n roll, violence, assaulted house plants, un sensible drinking and ofc YAOI
1. Christmas eve tomfoolery

The terrible tale of Akatsuki and the effects of Christmas excess

"Fuck you, you great queen!" yelled Hidan as he met Kakuzu underneath the mistletoe for the 5th time that morning. It was Christmas Eve and everyone was feeling a little crazy. Reluctantly Hidan pouted and waited for Kakuzu to do his thing. "Am I the only one in this whole damn place that _isn't_ as bent as a roundabout?" he whined as soon as Kakuzu's lips were removed.

"Hey there's me!" argued Konan from underneath the Christmas tree, she was wrapping presents but dropping ash from her cigarette all over them.

"Look, mind out!" warned Sasori, "you don't want to go setting fire to that present. I think it's one of Deidara's. Oh and here chuck this under there too" He passed her another present which smelt strongly of chemicals.

"Kablammy" squealed Deidara happily, already tucking in to the chocolates. The first layer was half gone so far. He leaned back against the bright pink loveseat where Leader was sitting and rubbed his belly.

"That candy is going to go straight to your ass," Leader said mockingly

"Oh I don't know I think he'd look nice with a bit of a ghetto booty going on" Sasori replied

"FUCKING QUEENS" screamed Hidan and stomped out. Unfortunately before he was through the door his partner Kakuzu jumped in front and winked suggestively. They were once again underneath the mistletoe. "Oh screw this already" he sighed in submission, then reached up to his partners mask, pulled it down and drew him into a vicious kiss. Kakuzu's tongue found its way into his mouth so he bit down on it, hard. Blood welled up and mixed with their saliva as their tongues danced in a complicated battle for dominance.

Hidan suddenly broke away and practically legged it up the stairs. They could hear him legging it up the next flight too, and the next. All the way to the lofty room those two shared. You may have guessed the house was BIG. In the silence that followed they could hear what sounded like the scrape of his scythe, a gasp, then sobbing.

"He's in denial" stated Itachi, climbing through the window with mud on his shoes and leaves in his hair. "Zetsu's been fed, everyone relax". He glanced fondly at Kisame.

"The dude doesn't know what he's missing" crooned the shark man looking up from his Playboy Aquarium magazine.

"Ooh is that this weeks new one?" asked Itachi excitedly, then he and Kisame began to leer and drool over the glossy pages.

The phone rang. Its eerie notes chilled the blood of everyone in the house. The last time anyone had ever tried to ring the Akatsuki it was the army preparing to raid them. After they encountered Deidara and his bombs there wasn't much left. A grin spread over the blondes face and he raced to the phone trailing sweet wrappers behind him.

"HELLO?" he screamed down the receiver – he had never got used to using phones. "HELLO WHO'S THERE??"

"Um..." said a small voice at the other end

"CAN'T HEAR YOU – hey guys I think it's broken again" he began to shake it. When it didn't produce a loud bang or any explosions he just dropped it and went to lurk in his room. Or rather, went to find his secret stash of monster munch. Pein didn't allow junk food in the house so the sweet toothed missing nin had horded what he could. Pein just laughed as Deidara's ass left the room.

Tobi was next to approach the phone, the idiot with only one eyehole in his mask had to peer at it sideways to read the display. "Hey everyone it says 'Orochimaru' on here. Who's he?"

Konan jumped to her feet and swiped the phone from the masked nin. "Hello?" she demanded, "If that's you come to apologise, Orochimaru you can take your snake infested Christmas cake and shove it-"

"Actually its Kimimaro here" said the voice on the phone, "I need to ask a favour."

Pein picked up the other phone and put it on loudspeaker so everyone could listen in on the conversation. "Go on what is this favour?" he asked.

"Well you see, a lot of people get depressed around the holidays and Orochimaru...he" Kimimaro let the sentence hang guiltily in the air.

"Aw I feel bad for the guy" said Sasori, "let him come round here!"

"Any objection?" said Konan grudgingly. No one said a word, this was going to be too much fun.

And so at around 7pm on Christmas Eve the akatsuki found themselves assembled in the living room awaiting the return of one of their former members. Even Zetsu was allowed in the house provided he didn't assault the house plants or eat anyone; so far his only interest had been on the grand and silver-dusted Christmas tree. He was trying to coax it into conversation.

_"C'mon __baby don't__ be shy around me. You know me right?"_Crooned the white side of Zetsu

**"****Its**** not as clever as us, you shouldn't waste you time with it!" **said Zetsu's evil half

He reached out and began stroking the glitter coated branches.

_"Your pine needles are so soft, let me wash them for you" _His pale side continued, and he started to lick the tree with his rough green tongue, fly trap springing open wildly. No one had time to notice, especially Pein who was creeping off through the door with a manic expression on his heavily pierced face. Konan tip toed behind like a human chimney in her own private cloud of smoke. No one really wanted to know where they were going, so no one asked. Hidan watched them leave through bleary eyes, he'd been on the Jack Daniels ever since that kiss this morning and his vision was beginning to blur.

"H-ha theys goin t make shexy time" he slurred and laughed till he slid sideways into Kakuzu's lap, the stitch man laughed too and raised his glass to his good fortune that Hidan was a complete lightweight and had gotten drunk before he had. He played with the priest's hair and Hidan started to drool. He shook his head and sat up drunkenly, his face came inches from Kakuzu's and he blew whisky flavoured breath at him.

"Y –you're all right 'ole Kuzu..." he slurred again, "In 'ole battle yo' always there t save my ass, sush a nice guy huh?" he turned and nodded at everyone waving his thin hands in emphasis.

"Erm...Hidan? I think you've had too much!" squeaked Tobi from amongst the presents,

"Nah...not eno- enuf of _him__" _The drunken zealot squinted at kakuzu who couldn't believe his luck when yet another wet kiss was planted on his parted lips.

Kisame cheered and Itachi turned on some loud music to drown out the sounds of the long-awaited makeout session that was going on between the two immortals. Papa Roach came blaring out of the speakers just as Sasori choked on whatever unmentionable chemical he was snorting up his nose today.

"Gah! He choked, "The tree! Look at the tree you fools!"

"Solvent abuse kills you know Danna" said Deidara in an uncharacteristic serious tone as he returned to the room. A packet of wotsits was badly hidden in his coat pocket.

"Not if you're a puppet and besides, you don't understand. Look at the tree! And Zetsu!"

Indeed Zetsu was getting it on with the Christmas tree. The baubles were ruined and the tinsel was wrapped around...around

"What the fuck is that!!?? Screamed Konan as she staggered into the door, "there's a fire!"

Woa look at her eyes! Thought Itachi. And she hasn't even noticed Zetsu yet, "There is no fire in here" he said in his cool voice.

"The hell there's a big purple fire right there!" she pointed at a blank space of threadbare carpet.

Itachi turned to whisper to his yaoi partner, "Is she...high?"

His suspicions were justified when Pein their Leader crawled through the door helpless with laughter. He rolled over and laughed until tears ran down his face.

"Stop my_ darling_ you're rolling in the FIRE" Konan said in a high pitched voice and began to giggle and dance about. She tripped over her own feet and landed next to her partner. Where she promptly collapsed.

I can't watch this thought Deidara and he got up again. He considered taking his precious Sasori with him but the puppet was barely conscious in the old armchair, a bottle of an unnamed chemical handing from his fingers. His hand-mouths ached for something to devour and since there was no clay left he might as well start on the Christmas food.

The day darkened into evening and by the time Kimimaro appeared at the door sporting a Santa hat with a bedraggled and miserable Orochimaru under his arm there was hardly anyone left standing. The snow had begun to fall and the pair were shaking with cold. After ringing the bell constantly for 20 minutes a scantily clad Kisame answered the door looking bad tempered.

"Erm..." he said looking down at his nakedness.

Kimimaro just thrust an envelope at him, shoved Orochimaru into his arms and disappeared in a flash of snow white bones. He couldn't wait to be out of that hell hole and get back to Sound where Kabuto was waiting...

Back in the living room, with the clock ticking on for midnight, the remains of Akatsuki lay, sat, or slouched in a state. The music had long stopped. Pein lay immobile on the floor with a curious small plastic bag in his hand. Konan lay slouched against the dirty wall with a broken fag hanging from her bottom lip. Hidan lay back against the side of the now blood soaked couch with a knife in his side and a look of intense pleasure on his face. Kakuzu lay half on top of him with his head resting on the drunken priest's chest, still holding the guilty knife and missing his mask. Both were passed out. Over on the other side of the messy room Tobi sat slowly unwrapping all of the presents passing anything edible to Deidara, and anything inedible to Zetsu. Deidara looked pale and sick and kept speaking to his hands. "Why more?" he would ask, "you've already had enough!" but the hands just wouldn't stop.

The desecrated Christmas tree lay broken and thoroughly shagged on the floor next to Zetsu whose fly trap was shuddering ever so slightly every time he looked across at the silver branches. Orochimaru sat in misery between Kisame and Itachi both of whom bore him no grudges for a) previously trying to steal Itachi's body and b) interrupting valuable Aquarium porn time. Every now and then Itachi broke into song – terrible Christmas anthems which Kisame couldn't resist dancing to. His singing voice was awful on account of him never speaking enough, but both were krunk from spending too long inside the mangeyou sharingan. Every time kisame got up to dance another item of his clothing went 'missing' much to the Uchiha's delight.

It was the night before Christmas and all through the (akatsuki) house, not a creature was stirring not even a ...wait...a blue tinted man-shark and his gay partner, a plant man, a basketball head and a blonde bomber with an eating disorder.

"Merry fucking Christmas" mumbled Hidan in his alcohol-induced sleep.

Orochimaru just sat in horror and scanned the faces of the members of the organisation he used to respect. The clock chimed midnight.


	2. A Christmas day

The Terrible Tale Of Akatsuki and the effects of Christmas excess...X-mas day!

_This is a fairly long chapter beware lots of yaoi and drug abuse...don't read on if u don't want to know_

Konan crawled to her knees. She had the most** massive** headache and her neck was caning like hell. There was something white and powdery on her fingers and lingering on her nose. Ah, it was the shit from Pein's stash! And there he was laying spread eagled on the bare floor across from her. His eyes were barely open but he was conscious...just. Nothing remained in her memory, not a single thread of the details that had come to pass. Anything could have happened, anything...

Surreptitiously she checked under her cloak, phew still got the underwear. That would have been _embarrassing_ doing **it** in front of the others. She fumbled in her pockets for a fag but couldn't find a lighter,

"Here lemme help you with that" The dark haired Uchiha leaned over and cast a teeny weensy fire ball jutsu to light her up.

"jee thanks" she offered as a thank you, and brushed the white powder away before he could notice. It was already far too late.

"It's a special day after all" he continued, "merry Christmas!"

At that moment Deidara stumbled into the room. He smelled sour and the tongues on his hands were lolling out. "I've been up all night puking, un" he complained and flopped down into a free squashy chair. Absent mindedly he dipped his hand into an open bag of crisps and the sound of munching came from within.

"Just stop eating you tard and you'll be fine!" said a voice from right across the room. The three ninjas looked past the sleeping Kisame, semi-conscious leader, morbidly depressed Orochimaru and a chemically stunned Sasori. They didn't even bother looking at what Zetsu was doing. Somewhere from underneath the inebriated Kakuzu came the voice.

"...I mean seriously what's wrong with you, you can't eat all the food in the house" Hidan added

"Actually..." Deidara looked shifty.

"No way!" Kisame looked up from feigning sleep. He gave Itachi the kind of glare that says I-was waiting-for you-to-kiss-me-good-morning. "There's no way you've eaten the lot!"

Without warning a horrible ringing noise filled the small and chaotic room. A series of groans followed as everyone woke up. For the most part the groans were out of annoyance except for Hidan whose groan was one of deep rooted pleasure as Kakuzu slowly withdrew the knife from him. Yet more blood spilled forth onto the sofa and the floor. Hidan was lying sideways across the sofa so his blooded splashed enticingly onto kakuzu's trousers too.

"Stop the fucking blood, man! Do you want me to bleed out before I've opened my presents?"

"Not a problem!" said Tobi bouncing around the mountains of shredded wrapping paper. He found the detestable alarm clock and smashed it to smithereens. "Tobi already opened all the presents, Hidan-san can bleed as much as he likes. Tobi is a good boy!?"

"Oh in that case..." said the silver haired nin as he laid back on the sofa, open to Kakuzu's attack. Before his head hit the cushions a pike was forced through his ribs breaking at least two of them.

He gasped. "Kuzu...right there – right _fucking_ there" he squirmed, threw back his head and groaned. His pale hands groped for a purchase on the pole already slippery with crimson. He clutched at it and attempted to ram it deeper but Kakuzu was already one step ahead. With an adept flick of his left hand, the stitch man had both of his partners hands nailed to the arm of the chair with a kunai. Seizing the pole it the top he put all of his weight into it and pushed it right through until he heard the sound of springs breaking beneath Hidan's tormented body. The Jashinist screamed aloud and dug his nails into the ruined sofa. A look of smugness passed over Kakuzu's face, only he could enjoy doing this and only Hidan could enjoy having it done to him.

Pein, sensing his reputation as resident Akatsuki masochist was under threat, lurched about until he was in what passed for a sitting position. He snapped wide awake however when he realized his precious little bag had disappeared. "What the hell is happening in here and who's nicked my stuff?"

Every face was turned to the sick pair enjoying a stranger kind of pleasure, Pein turned to watch in horror as Kakuzu leaned in to French kiss Hidan's blood-filled mouth. He looked away in disgust; he could not compete with this level of...of...

Before he was completely lost to his thoughts he caught sight of the effects of last nights excessive drinking, shagging, snorting and other unmentionables and sighed. What was Zetsu doing in the house and why was Orochimaru wearing his gold-plated Santa hat?

"Hey you guys!" yelled Kisame from underneath a pile of half opened presents. Only the things that Deidara and Zetsu both couldn't eat remained intact. "I erm think we've got an x-box 360"

Suddenly silence reigned. No one said a word, just stared in awe at the box high on the pile of wrapping paper, the very word 'x box' was hallowed. The only sound was a steady drip drip of blood from the corner but even Hidan had paused to look across at the shiny white box. Then to an outsider the room seemed to explode, it was in fact 12 S-ranked criminals desperately trying to be the first one to touch it.

"but we should play my dance game first un!" Deidara complained

"No sorry it's halo 3 until New Year's Day for me" said Sasori coming round from his solvent induced stupor.

"No way what about singstar?" asked Konan but she was drowned out by the masochistic couple on the devastated sofa screaming:

"Call of Duty 4!!!!!"

"What about that one where the guy goes crazy and kills everyone except a certain someone..." mused Itachi and everyone turned to stare awkwardly at him,

"Itachi-san I don't think that's a game we have!" said Tobi feeling frightened

"What if it's not a game at all" Itachi raised his voice and went Mangekyu Sharingan on them. Unfortunately the only one dumb enough to be looking deep into his beautiful round eyes was Kisame. He was sucked into the dimensional space to spend a virtual 72 hours with Itachi. No one really knew what went on except those two.

_Inside the __Sharingan_

_Kisame opened his eyes, the sky was red, the ground was red. It was neither hot nor cold here, there was no weather. There was no horizon, just a flat bare and barren landscape. Above him towered a giant cross with weapons stuck in it. He realized he was inside the virtual dimension Itachi used for torture. He grinned realizing they would be misusing it. A voice to his left..._

_"Interesting, I never intended to catch _you_ with that, though I certainly can't be letting you go"_

_Kisame moved onto his hands and knees then attempted to get to his feet but a sudden invisible force slammed him down._

_"Not in MY dimension!" said the __Uchiha__ appearing from behind the giant cross. "Stay in that position!"_

_"Oh HELL no!" shivered Kisame, "you're the __uke__ partner NOT me!" He st__r__uggled but the other ninjas invisible force held him fast._

_Itachi stepped out of his cloak gracefully and let it slide to the red dusty ground. He walked casually up to Kisame and pulled him into a light kiss, "to__day__ is your turn..." he whispered._

_Without hesitation he slipped the cloak from the other missing __nin's__ back, revealing pale blue skin and gills. Itachi shuddered in anticipation, he liked gills almost as much as he liked..._

_Shaking his head and finally showing some emotion in the form of a grin he undid his own and __Kisames__ trousers. Now the rest was simple. His partner was tense and slightly frightened but he erased any doubt by massaging the other mans shoulders lovingly.__ "This is all I need for Christmas" he murmured truthful. He then ruined the romance by rapidly inserting a __lubed__ finger into __Kisame's__ entrance, producing a gasp and a grimace from the older man._

_"__Ita__Itachi!" gasped Kisame breathlessly_

_"Itachi-__**san**__**"**__ demanded the __Uchiha__ making one finger become two, his grin faded into a confident frown as he knew he was in charge. His left hand moved round to __Kisame's__jewels where began to stroke and fondle what was becoming harder every passing moment. The two fingers moved in unison in and out, building up an intense feeling deep within the shark man until he thought he would burst. _

_He clenched his teeth and squeezed his eyes shut, but suddenly the fingers were removed, leaving an empty cold space inside him which he ached to be filled again. He glanced around at the __Uchiha__ and was rewarded with a back breaking slam which whipped his head round again. He knew now Itachi was fully inside him__. He let rip a scream that would have made Hidan look like a pussy, he arched his back against the incredible p__ain. He wished it would go away. Itachi continued to move in a __compelling rhythm, different to how it was normally done. Both his hands were now on his partners __muscled__ shoulders, adding power to their love make._

_"Aren't you scared?" he groaned huskily_

_"Scared of what?" The __sharingan__ master replied_

_"Of...of ripping...me!"_

_In answer Itachi removed himself __gradually __from his __sex __partner, Kisame thought it was all over__ and began to relax. After a pause and a shuddering breath filled with passion, Itachi unexpectedly re-entered with superhuman speed. Kisame cried out._

_"Mary mother of god!!" his hands shot out to brace himself against the powerful thrusts and his nails bit into the floor. He'd never experienced anything like this before and wasn't sure if he ever wanted to again. He couldn't hold it any longer and came onto the red sand. He felt Itachi do the same inside him and he sighed._

_Long after it was all over, Kisame still couldn't really sit or stand. It was lucky they still had about 70 hours to kick their heels if they wished. This whole thing would have only taken about 2 minutes of real time. Fantastic!__ He lay back next to his friend and rested his head on his chest._

_"Where did you learn how to do that?" asked Kisame hesitantly_

_"Had a younger brother didn't __I__" Itachi replied in an offhand manner_

_"You did...that – with your own brother?" stuttered the other man in disbelief, an expression of horror on his face._

_"Sure he never complained." He missed the appalled expression that was being directed at him. "Where'd you learn then?"_

_"Practised on you didn't I!" replied Kisame_

_Itachi broke the jutsu. Both men plummeted back to reality with wide grins plastered onto __their guilty__ faces._

"Welcome back, you two. You zoned out for a few minutes there" muttered Pein who was now holding the sacred x box, "sharingan...hmmm" he wondered if he could do the same with his rinnegan eyes. They had no other real use.

"Sod you and your x box!" said Konan, "someone's gotta get this turkey cooked, and seeing as its the one thing in this house Deidara HASN'T eaten I think it should be cooked quick!"

"I was hungry, un"

"No you bloody weren't! You're just a fat ass pig" shouted Hidan

"Deidara stop eating, Konan cook the turkey, Hidan and Orochimaru fix those outside fairy lights they're giving me a migraine"

"No, that would be the shit you sniffed up your nose genius" said Kakuzu

"Yeah? You can't talk; you alchy you drank all the damn Jack Daniels!" Sasori shouted at the stitch man– though he was not normally one to argue.

"Oh look who's talking! You meths-sniffing sex doll!" shouted Hidan, defending his partner

"Leave danna alone! Un" Deidara said as Sasori began to cry

"Sempai your ass is fat!" squealed Tobi laughing inside his mask

Orochimaru beat Tobi over the head for no apparent reason. "Always wanted to do that" he shrugged and laughed.

"Whose side are you on? Snake face" Konan bitched, but was secretly glad he was smiling at last.

The little argument screeched to a halt however when Zetsu lurched into the wall, a suspiciously empty little bag stuck in his flytrap.

"My good shit!" Pein wailed, plucking the sad little bag off the plant. It was completely devoid of good shit and his eyes flashed with anger. "I'll throttle you stupid vegetable!"

"_I_..**what**_ow__ my head..._**o0o Lady Willow**..._hello_ **hello**" His personalities seemed to have gotten confused and he swayed, dazed as Pein attempted to kick him in the crown jewels.

Kisame was overtaken by laughter and he rolled upon the floor. Itachi wasn't much better off with a ribbon tied in his hair and wrapping paper tangled round his legs.

"You know, it's a seriously difficult choice but i'll take the x-mas lights over a tripping plant any day" sighed Hidan as he got up and made for the door. "You comin' 'rochy?"

Orochimaru grabbed the spare bulbs and a cloak and followed the priest out, watching the blood ooze slowly out of the stab wounds in his chest and side. Disturbing...Hidan lifted the ladder and put it against the side of the dilapidated looking house. No one else in the street had bothered with decorations, mainly because everyone else in the street was either a hardened criminal, an illegal immigrant, drug lord, pimp or running from the law. However the Akatsuki house stood proud with its collection of golden reindeer lights, 17 flashing Santa stop here signs, an unbroken chain of fairy lights running round the guttering, and a giant inflatable Santa on the roof. It tried to look Jolly but in fact gave the whole thing an indescribable feeling of lingering evil. Perhaps that was why nothing had been stolen.

"'Rochy can you just hold the bottom of the ladder i'm going to fix this bitch!" said Hidan determinedly and ascended the ladder to the row of annoying flickering lights. "You've made your bed now fucking sleep in it!" he muttered to the offending lights when they continued to flicker and burn his fingers. He unscrewed them and tried to screw new ones on.

"Hidan, wait I think you need to switch-"

"Shut the fuck up, you live in a cave what do you know about fairy lights!" said Hidan angrily

A lightning bright flash and all the power in the street short circuited itself. Every other light went out except the one in the Jashinists hands.

"Mother FUCK-" He began,

An electric pulse burst out of the satanic bulb display. It flashed through the wires melting them and 1400 volts of wild untamed current shot up the priests arm and through his body. His eyes rolled and his hair stood up on end. "GaAhH!" he screamed as more power shot out of the mean little bulb and into him.

Kakuzu, hearing his screams, darted past the drugged plant man who was now engaged in a game of blind mans buff, out of the house and caught Hidan as he fell shaking from the roof. The nippy current passed instantly into him, taking out a heart and killing a demon. "Nooooo!" He mourned and both fell to the snow. The snow around them hissed.

Kakuzu came round first after Orochimaru dumped yet more snow in his face.

"Ah thank god you're not dead!" he laughed.

"Thank _Jashin_ I don't rip your balls off and feed them to yo mama!" growled Hidan shifting his aching body.

"Oh..**he's** alive too" commented Orochimaru his face falling

"You saved my ass again Kuzu, I'm grateful"

"Oh but there's a price!" Kakuzu replied, reaching towards the other man.

"Not outside guys please? You're making a scene!" whined Leader rushing out into the snowy garden with everyone else trailing behind. However the two immortals were not listening.

"I expect you to pay the price...You know how I hate expense" murmured Kakuzu, licking along Hidan's bottom lip. Hidan arched his back and raised his hips, grinding into Kakuzu from below and encouraging the other man to slip his fingers inside the wounds made earlier. The stitching holding the stab wounds closed came undone and Kakuzu ripped the rest right out. His lips traced the line of Hidan's collar bone and Hidan arched his back even further until it ached as much as his groin. Blood covered Kakuzu's hands and he dipped his hips to grind further onto his partner. The friction was building and a low moan escaped the silver haired mans mouth, the snow turned red, his eyes were squeezed shut.

Kakuzu reached towards Hidan's exposed chest and smeared blood over his stricken nipples.

"OK! Enough already!" Sasori pushed forwards and shoved Kakuzu into a puddle. "Get a room!"

Pein looked around guiltily and removed his hand from his pants before anyone noticed. Was it wrong that he was getting off on this? He attempted to conceal his hard-on with his cloak but not before Konan had seen and raised her eyebrows at him. He glared, she smirked.

"Who wants to play charades, un!" exclaimed Deidara breaking the awkward half silence. Immediately Tobi jumped at the chance to make a fool of himself and dragged Orochimaru in too to 'jolly him up'. Sasori couldn't creep off in time so he was forced to join in the ridiculous miming game. Nobody really dared ask Itachi – he was too far gone to be included in the x mas spirit, but surprisingly he volunteered.

"Don't leave me out" he said coldly as the foolish four made their way back inside the house, so quietly he joined them in the sitting room and the game began.

Zetsu barged past them and staggered out into the snow, bewildered and cross eyed and with the blindfold around his neck, "whassa matter?" he giggled and toppled sideways.

"He really hasn't taken well to that stuff has he?" commented Konan.

"Good luck I have more, greedy pot plant ate the lot!" said Pein jealously, turning back inside. Konan followed him upstairs to the stash's secret hiding place underneath a floorboard in the attic. The attic was just above Kakuzu and Hidan's room and they heard the other two come upstairs. Hidan was running.

"Leave me alone you fruitcake!" he wailed and pounded up the corridor.

"I don't understand you!!" Kakuzu shouted back and the floorboards shook with the force of Hidan slamming his bedroom door, hard.

Pein and Konan waited in silence with their heads pressed against the floor, they needed to listen in to what was fast becoming the greatest Akatsuki scandal since Orochimaru tried to steal Itachi's body. The sounds of Hidan's quiet sobbing floated gloomily up through the thin floor.

Konan found a tiny knothole in the wood and peered through to the corridor below. She saw Kakuzu waiting outside the room, he was sitting on the floor leaning against the bedroom door. He was breathing heavily from running after the priest. He looked miserable.

Pein came to have a look as well and together they spied.

"Hidan come out" Kakuzu asked gently trying to peer through the keyhole

"C...can't" came the strangled voice from within.

"It doesn't matter what people think of us" Kakuzu continued, and a tear slid from Konan's eye – these two were so cute when no one else was around. The stitch man got up and put an oddly coloured hand on the doorknob, "come open this door or I'm coming in anyway"

"No..really-I can't" Hidan pleaded, so Kakuzu pushed open the door and went in.

Pein sighed, he couldn't see anything now, all he could do was listen. He crept about until, what luck, there was a crack in the warped wood and he could peer through into the gloom. Hell! No wonder Hidan couldn't open the bloody door, he was slouched against the wall stabbed through with whatever weapons he could find. The blood was oozing around him and mixing with tears that were pouring off his pretty face. Pein leaned in for a closer look and Konan glared at him, "give them some privacy" she hissed. The leader waved at her to shut up.

Down in the darkened bedroom, Kakuzu looked down on what his partner had done. One question formed in his mind, "Why?" he asked.

Hidan had no time to answer since he promptly passed out from blood loss. Kakuzu sighed and knelt down next to the broken zealot, carefully he pulled the weapons free. A sword, about 3 kunai, two shuriken, Hidan's own pike and to Kakuzu's horror the scythe was embedded in his side as well. Added to the mutilations from earlier, it wasn't surprising that he wasn't conscious.

While the game went on downstairs, Pein and Konan continued filling their pockets with good shit and spying, Zetsu and Kisame built a horrible rendition of tsunade in snow. It was very crude and had them both cackling for hours, Kakuzu lifted his limp friend out of the blood pool and cleaned and bandaged the wounds his partner had inflicted on himself. All the while thinking that here was a much screwed up dude.

At around about 8pm on x mas evening everyone met again in the lounge. The mistletoe was looking decrepit after everyone had attempted to blow it up, kill it, poison it or eat it. A spell had been put on it so no one could actually remove it until the New Year. Many inappropriate kisses had been exchanged under it. Someone had to actually kiss Zestu, the white side and the black side. Much to her distaste, Konan had still not managed to catch Itachi under it.

"o0o Ken!" came a high pitched voice from the middle of the room

"Oh Barbie!" came the reply.

It appeared the charades had turned into a lengthy game of Barbie and ken. Sasori was in his element and Tobi was hyper with happiness. Orochimaru was having trouble trying to fix up the Barbie caravan but Deidara had got hold of an action man. Itachi sat glazy eyed looking at all the different fashions and outfits this Barbie woman had at her fingertips. He tried them all on her one by one with appreciation written all over his face.

The plot of the game seemed to be that Barbie was having an affair with action man, whilst going to a whole host of balls and proms so that she could wear all the fantastic dresses Itachi had lined up for her.

Kisame and Zetsu sat soaking wet and shivering in the corner. Every now and then one of them would open the curtains and look at their pornographic sculpture and snigger.

Pein and Konan entered the room and no one really looked up. Their hair was a mess and Pein had lipstick on his face. Both their pupils were massive and once again a suspicious little bag stuck out of Pein's pocket. The secret stash had not let them down.

Last to arrive was Kakuzu, he was staggering and had a bottle clutched in his hand. In the other hand he was holding Hidan by the scruff of his cloak and dragging him along. Surprisingly no blood trail was left behind him as he lurched to a spare sofa. The other sofa had been burned up yesterday because it was a disgrace.

Together they stayed in the lounge, Kakuzu getting drunker and drunker until he too passed out. Pein and Konan stayed together on the loveseat sniffing up the white stuff up until the point they fell into a coma. The Barbie game continued until well past midnight but by that time Sasori had snuck off into the corner to inhale puppet glue fumes, he wasn't conscious any more either. Zetsu needed time to photosynthesize so he just sat under the artificial sunlight lamp way into the night. Kisame and Itachi fell asleep in each others arms, the very picture of love against all the odds. So then it was just Tobi clutching action man and Deidara making his Barbie dance a drunken waltz around the tree.

"Tobi look after Barbie-chan for a sec I'm going...uh...I'm going to-"

"Deidara-sempai is going to raid the fridge!" Tobi shouted and the sleeping criminals stirred

"Sssshhh! Basketball head, you'll wake them all up!" Deidara hissed as he walked out and went to see if there was even a scrap of food or solitary cookie he hadn't eaten. The hand-mouths were demanding more snacks despite the rock nin feeling sick.

The clock said it was getting on for one o clock, and Christmas was now officially over.


	3. Boxing Day woohoo

The terrible Tale of Akatsuki and the effects of Christmas Excess

The day dawned sluggishly, as if even the sunlight couldn't be bothered to drag its way over the disgraceful world. The dull light shone down the deserted street and lit up the mess, litter and tumbledown hovels that passed for houses in this neighbourhood. The suns weak winter rays filtered through the dirty and ripped curtains of the sitting room window and fell upon 10 sleeping criminals in various states of peacefulness. The least of which was squirming in his sleep, heavily bandaged and almost tied up. He awoke with a yell.

"Untie me you decrepit poofter!" he said in anger and thrashed about. The bandages tied his arms to his sides and his legs were bound together. "What's with us all sleeping in here the past two nights anyhow, this isn't a fucking highschool slumber party"

"Dude, shut up" a quiet voice sighed from under a duvet, a red haired head peeped above it with eyes narrowed against the morning light. The blankets stirred next to Sasori and a familiar orange mask poked up. "Hidan-san shhhh be quieter!" he spoke in a hushed voice.

Hidan continued to writhe about but to no avail. "I _have_ to get away from this _queen_" he hissed nodding his bandaged head at the sleeping Kakuzu, "you have no idea how badly I need to get out of this room..."

"If I untie you, will you shut up?" said a husky voice by Hidan's feet. The dreaded Itachi had woken up and crawled away from kisame. "And for the record, I think Orochimaru got away in the night."

"Got away? That wanker never gave me a present, but then again some animals crawl off when they know they're going to die..." Hidan mused as Itachi burnt through the confounded bandages. He shook himself free of them, nodded in thanks then ran for it.

"Woa what's the rush?" murmured Deidara sleepily as the priests boot narrowly missed his blonde head. He sat up and watched Hidan as he ran up the stairs two at a time.

"Oh those two have something going on for sure" nodded Sasori .

The hours dragged slowly by as everyone dozed away boxing day. No one liked Boxing Day it was a fact. The presents were gone, everyone was sick, the place was a mess and there was nothing to do. When the light grew stronger the 9 people left in the room grudgingly stirred and raised their heads. The first shout of the day:

"Hey where's my-!" began Pein jumping to his feet and knocking a load of empty bottles into Zetsu's open flytrap.

"Here" said Konan quickly offering up the evil little bag. Pein relaxed and flopped back onto the sofa.

"You guys I think you should see this" a voice called out and Sasori raised his puppets arm and brandished the envelope that Kimimaro had brought along a few days ago. "It's an Invitation!"

"An invitation to what?" questioned the leader as he debated whether it was good to save the stash for later or have it all now.

"Is it a party? Tobi likes parties!" said Tobi excitedly.

"Yeah it's the Sound's (notorious) new years party, are we going?" continued the puppet master

All faces turned to their junkie leader. He paled, knowing it was his decision and he really didn't feel like making any proper decisions right now. Well except the stash-no stash one that was raging in his skull. "Erm...hands up who wants to go" he said hesitantly

Every hand was raised except Kakuzu's, he was still asleep. Sneakily Sasori attached chakra strings to his arm and raised it, making it a 100 vote.

"Ok then we're going, I presume the party is in the Sound village right?" said Sir Leader

"yeah just outside it, but wait that's going to take at long time to walk – we'll miss it for sure!"

"Not necessarily" said Pein with a smile on his face.

"Wait wait! We haven't asked everyone if they want to go yet" protested Tobi

Everyone looked around doing a head count. Two people were missing.

"Orochimaru got away in the night" Itachi repeated, "and Hidan ran off earlier"

At the mention of his partner's name, Kakuzu woke up with a start, and finding him gone he jumped to his feet.

"Where'd he go?" he demanded

"I dunno is it really that important?"

"You have no idea" and with that he ran from the room.

_I love __kakuHidan__...prepare for some more_

Hidan had spent the whole morning locked away in his room with his bible. He hadn't even looked at the weapons lined up neatly on the side. He guessed that after last nights little fiasco his partner had cleaned up. He was grateful. He just wasn't sure what to do, or what to think. Being gay wasn't against his religion or anything it just seemed... slightly wrong. Not overly wrong, just a little. He needed to get his thoughts sorted. He clasped his rosary in his hand and offered a small prayer to his god. He wouldn't normally pray about things like this, he didn't think Jashin-sama would care at all. He probably wasn't listening but it made Hidan feel better. He closed his eye and immediately Kakuzu's face appeared, enticing him, showing him what could be had if only he would just let go. Hidan's feelings towards the man had changed considerably since their first meeting, he didn't hate him as much as he used to, he wasn't sure if he even hated him at all. Was that just a facade he put up so that the others wouldn't see how very fragile he was beneath it all? Another tear slid out from his eye and joined the rest on the bible in his hands.

A knock at the door. His eyes sprang open revealing bloodshot whites and tears. He slammed the precious book shut and hid it under his pillow. "Who's there?" he called beyond the door.

"Just me..." a deep voice confirmed the priests fears, Kakuzu had returned. Suddenly he realized he didn't give a toss. He would have what he wanted, what they both wanted. He would take the next step and sod the others.

"I'm glad you're here, I'm also sorry about earlier" he admitted when the door creaked open an inch.

"can I come in?" his partner asked gently

"sure, whatever"

Kakuzu appeared, no longer drunk. He sat on the bed and looked his partner up and down. Hidan's injuries had already healed, only a few red marks remained when less than 12 hours ago there had been terminal wounds. He was truly immortal and Kakuzu said so.

"The problem with being immortal is you have to spend your life alone" Hidan said sadly, but really he knew in his heart that that was not the case for him.

"You're so wrong..." his partner muttered, and he turned his masked face to stare once more into the silver haired nin's eyes. He saw understanding there, and knew he too would never be alone again. This time he waited, he would not make the first move. Sure enough, Hidan could bear it no longer and he leaned into Kakuzu.

"Save me from the cold" he cried into his friend's cloak. He'd cried a lot lately and he knew it. He tried to wipe away the tears but they wouldn't stop falling.

"It's ok" Kakuzu whispered and comforted him. He drew him close and kissed his forehead like a brother.

"I'm sorry I fought you for so long" Hidan continued, pushing himself upright. He got up and strode towards the door. "I'm going back downstairs are you coming?"

"Not so fast" the masked man growled, he shot out one of his hands and pushed the door closed once more. Flicking it up he took hold of the Jashinists wrist and pulled him back to the bed. A wide grin spread across his face and he didn't resist the pressure on his thin arm as he was lead back across the room. He crawled onto the dark fabric of the bed. But he didn't think he'd be able to face this today. His mouth twisted in a smirk, he knew he would kill for just a bit, just a little bit. He laid back and Kakuzu looked at him disgusted at how willing he was to lay himself open to attack.

Kakuzu assumed his rightful position on top with Hidan's shoulders between his strong hands; he dipped his unmasked head and placed a rough kiss on his lips. Each time he pulled him apart it felt better and better, he took it as red that Hidan enjoyed what they did. If he didn't, why did he keep asking for more? A cold hand trailed a line down Hidan's bare chest and hooked in his pants, a quick jerk of his arm and they were gone along with his cloak into a dark corner. He lay helpless in pale boxers, practically begging for the next move.

"Kuzu..." his voice was soft and pleading, as were his eyes. The stitch man looked him in the eye then looked away.

"Is this really what you want?" he asked, amazed that anyone on gods green earth could wish for pain like he did.

"Kuzu...now...soon" he whined as he arched his back enticingly, "can't wait...any longer"

Kakuzu glared again in disgust but he was pretending, his nerves were twitching and he needed this more than he thought he'd needed anything before. He needed it more than money, more than any amount of bounty. His body grew hot and excitement twisted in his stomach like 100 hungry snakes. He dropped his head and devoured the man beneath him. His teeth scraped the other mans member and his tongue licked away the blood the rose to the surface.

In all the years of his long life, Hidan had never experienced this. He moaned like a wanton slut and succumbed to his lover's fierce demands for submission.

This guy is too sexy for his own good, thought Kakuzu as he kissed away the pre-cum that was making its appearance known. He raised his head and stared into his lover's barely open eyes.

"Oh you're not fucking done yet" Hidan growled through clenched teeth, the masked nin's multiple heartbeats were pounding a rhythm both of them could feel, like a metronome they followed the beats. Followed them into a realm of pleasure uncompromised. Kakuzu crawled slowly up his partner's chest until they were face to face once more, they were bare - sky clad- and both could feel the heat of the other pressing tightly on their groin. Hidan was shaking with uncontrollable lust,

"Just...do it already!" he squirmed again so he could feel Kakuzu's length rubbing almost painfully against his own.

"Beg" the demanding tone seemed to vibrate deep in the missing nin's ears.

"Fuck you! I hate you!" Hidan screamed and strained his neck up towards the other mans face, desperate for one more passionate kiss. His arms and ankles were now held fast by smooth black tentacles; they spun around his wrists and bound them to the bed posts. The ones around his ankles tightened considerably producing a yelp from the perfectly formed mouth.

"That's not good enough, beg again or I'll not hesitate to hurt you" the surprisingly emotionless voice commanded. Cold green eyes bore into angry violet ones.

"The only being I beg to is my god!" cursed Hidan, his eyes narrowed as he waited for the punishment he knew would follow, he leaned into it, waited for it, savoured it. He would kill again and again for every last bit of the agony Kakuzu could provide. Sure enough, as he let out a shuddering breath, three shining black tentacles rushed in on him, they hit his left side and continued inside his torso. Instead of rolling away from the force, he pushed against it with all his strength, the pain exploded and grew, it grew and throbbed until he was panting and crying. Pleasure and pain mingled together in this extreme moment until both were just the same.

Using the shiny tentacles as leverage the limp and bloody ninja was turned over. Hidan buried his face in the pillow and screamed into it as a fresh sensation began along his spine. A kunai, short and sharp was being drawn down his back, he could feel his own hot blood pumping out in bursts over his back. "Kuzu...now!!" he choked.

This time he got exactly what he wanted, his partner inside him. One finger at first, then two lubed up with his own blood. They skipped three altogether and went in for it. Slowly and carefully, it seemed to last forever and a day. The second Hidan felt it he knew this was what he needed, what he'd desired since he first saw that masked face. A sick kind of satisfaction manifested itself in his heart and built up until he felt sure he could die right now, right here, at last.

"Kuzu finish me!!" he wailed into the cushions, his fingers dug into them until the snowy white feathers mixed with the mess they had made. Kakuzu needed no further persuasion, with one final ram that sent the priest shrieking for his god, he took hold of the smaller mans shoulders and withdrew slowly and painfully.

Hidan, left empty and nearly paralyzed by the force of which they had made love, waited for the final blow to fall. Where would it come from? Through his pounding heart? Through his aching chest? He felt the glistening muscular tentacles slide out of him, then he was turned onto his back by coarse hands. He lay broken staring up into a green eyes face. There were tears in his eyes he knew, feeling embarrassed he wiped them away.

"You don't want me to finish you" came the startling reply

"Fuck you! Give it to me!" Hidan howled, as he tugged at the ropes that bound him still. He was tied in a star shape with his chest laid bare and vulnerable. He thrashed about, wild with passion and sick with desire. Nothing could curb his lusting for his own blood, for the pain he knew would carry him closer to blessed Jashin. Again he arched his lithe back, again he squeezed his eyes shut and begged.

"You're a hard mother fucker to please aren't you?" snarled Kakuzu, but deep within his four hearts there lingered a sadistic pleasure. It told him he enjoyed watching the smaller guy suffer, savoured every rattling, blood-filled breath he took, relished every satisfied masochistic whim. He advanced on the pearly white skin with Hidan's own pike raised.

"Oh god...please" the priest moaned aloud, and then the cold metal came out of nowhere, rushing down upon him with incredible speed and power. "Make it hurt!!" he cried out, the cry was so loud that everyone else in the house heard it. His craving was about to be extinguished.

The pike entered through his heart and carried on through to the bed beneath. Kakuzu was far from done, he twisted the pole around making his partner let out a piercing shriek. Leaving that rammed firmly in, he laid his hands around the cold throat and began to squeeze tightly. Hidan gasped for air but none came. He realized he was cumming and dying at the same time. He clawed at Kakuzu's hands, begging him not to let go but to push harder, harder until everything turned to black and stars popped in from of his streaming eyes. The blood pounded a tattoo against the masked nins closed fingers, driving him crazy. He held the strangle for a few more precious seconds then released his partner and his seed over the bed.

Barely conscious Hidan squinted through bloodshot eyes at the man above him. He looked at his own chest which was covered in dried blood, fresh blood and the massive damn pole sticking up vertically from him.

His mouth tried to form words but the air wouldn't come for him to pronounce them. His lungs were most likely punctured, he'd be lucky if his neck wasn't broken. As for his heart well that had probably stopped too. Instead he mouthed the words, desperate to be understood. It was paramount that he made himself understood.

'not-enough' Kakuzu lip read from the near corpse of his friend.

"Not enough? What the hell?" he exploded leaning in to slap Hidan's pretty if blood covered face. He stopped himself just in time when he realized that's just what he wanted. A smirk had spread across his face.

'pussy!' Hidan mouthed insultingly.

"Oh you didn't just- not enough? I'll..."the sadistic smile was back.

He bared his nails and punched Hidan right in the chest, the nails ripped the flesh and tore it away. Using both hands he punched deeper and with the use of his tentacles he wrapped them around the cold, still heart. A feeling of pleasure unrivalled had taken over Hidan's whole body and mind. He was no longer in the room, his mind was flying, flying far away. Maybe today would be the day...the day he could finally pass into heaven.

"Maybe I should take this for myself" Kakuzu mused aloud and he clutched the immortal's heart in his discoloured hand.

'It was always yours' Hidan tried to whisper, 'thank you...' he closed his eyes and was gone.

Note: NO Hidan is not dead! I wouldn't kill my fav. Character just like that!!


	4. the road trip!

The road trip

Not long after Hidan's screams had ripped through the house, the akatsuki were packing up. A big red van was parked outside on the rain drenched street with Pein hunched over the wheel revving and grinning. Everyone was running to and fro carrying boxes, bottles and of course weapons.

"No weapons at the party!" Konan nagged for the hundredth time, but no one was listening. Deidara sneaked out with clay in his bag and pockets, Kisame had trouble hiding Samehada – he was planning to smuggle it out the same way Hidan smuggled out his scythe. But since the priest was no where to be seen he had to fend for himself. A bag jingled merrily by, no doubt stuffed full of kunai and shuriken. The back of the van was getting full already, and it had to fit 8 of them still. Obviously since Leader was driving, his bitch got the passenger seat. Kisame hoped Kakuzu had some Jack Daniels left. It was going to be a long and tedious drive.

The click of a lock signalled that everyone had assembled outside with everything they needed for the trip. Quickly the shark man grabbed a decent place in the dark shadowy corner of the van, hopefully he could visit the sharingan world again later. Everyone else piled in and the engine started up. If they got caught by cops they'd have to fight their way out because no one here had ever passed a driving test or taken a lesson. Hell, Tobi couldn't even read!

He did a head count. Two in the front and 6 in the back, which left two, missing. He looked around, next to him was the Uchiha and opposite him was Deidara who looked slightly ill already. On Deidara's left sat Sasori slumped against the wall and on his right was Tobi with a Barbie in his hand. Zetsu was near the double metal doors so that a bit of light shone on his leaves. Oh how predictable, it was everyone's favourite couple who were late.

The back doors swung open for the last time and a three bladed scythe appeared. Then a bandaged hand. Hidan was pushed headfirst into the back of the van then Kakuzu climbed in after. He slammed the doors shut and sat down, leaving his partner face down in the dust in the centre. Everyone stared at him.

Through the near darkness, three sharingan eyes glowed. The missing nin that owned only one spoke up,

"Deidara-sempai! Hidan san isn't wearing any clothes" a smothered giggle followed.

"Shh, yes he is! He's got his boxers on and that's fine by me"

"Shut the fuck up! Kakuzu the hell I'm not wearing clothes! Where's my cloak? Oh you _wiener_, I can't even _move_"

"Broken neck" the ninja with the green eyes waved casually at the body on the floor. "Broken back too I shouldn't wonder!"

"Fuck you!"

The engine started up and they zoomed off. Everyone lurched into everyone else as Pein got the hang of the gears. Thankfully they joined the motorway soon and the pot holes in the road were no longer a problem.

Three hours into the drive and everyone had resorted back to his/ her evils. It was just too much to ask for the criminals to spend time together in a cramped space like the van. There was no more sitting neatly along the walls. Mostly everyone was stretched out on the floor in various states of consciousness. Every time the van hit a bump heads banged together and ninjas moaned. Deidara was a ticking time bomb; he could puke at any second. Mostly names and faces were lost to the darkness and the drunken stupor of most of the inhabitants of the van. It was just:

'hey you on my leg' or 'you in the corner pass the beer' or 'masky guy pass bottle!'

A steady trickle of fumes was finding their way in from the smoke clouded cabin up front. How Pein could drive no one knew. Konan was in no fit state to read a map. They were doing at least 80mph on the motorway to reach the Sound in time for new years. The smoke had a weird effect on everyone, and soon as they were on the Konoha bypass, a game of I Never had begun.

"I...never...had sex with a prostitute –un!" said Deidara as he crammed some chips into his mouth. Everyone who had had sex with a prostitute now had to drink. That was mostly everyone with the exceptions of Zetsu and Hidan.

"You never had sex with a ho?" asked Sasori quietly

"This isn't 21 motherfucking questions is it, genius?" snapped Hidan and fell silent

The game moved on. Zetsu was next.

"**I've never...strung out a fight because I enjoy watching people suffer" **a pointed glare in the immortals direction followed. Of course they had to be honest, and drink –lots.

"Cheers!" laughed Kakuzu giddily and downed the rest. The empty bottle now passed to Itachi.

"I wonder if there's anything he's never done!" Tobi said fearfully, glancing over at the pair of glowing red eyes in Kisame's corner.

Itachi took a deep breath. "I've never..." he began then sniffed. It sounded like he was crying. "I've never...had a birthday party" he hung his head and sobbed into Kisame's cloaked shoulder. "It's not fair, it was always about Sasuke-kun! Always" he banged his fists on the metal floor of the van as the alcohol took effect.

No one knew what to say. The van lurched and went over a bridge of some sort, or maybe it was a pedestrian. Everyone was thrown around. A body hit the roof and what little light could get in was extinguished. Bedlam followed. The van continued to dip and swerve as Pein displayed his dirty driving skills. There were bewildered ninjas everywhere. Deidara clung tightly to the bar around the side remembering the jagged metal sticking out from the roof. A body hit the roof again and something hot and wet splashed the rock nin's face.

"Fuck yeah!" this drive is better than I thought, "is that you Kakuzu?" a wet snogging noise followed.

"_No I am not Kakuzu_"

"...!" Hidan's voice said in disgust. "Oh my fucking mother I snogged a plant!"

"mmm Itachi get off my lap!" a sharky voice called out

"erm Kisame-san? Leave my cloak on!" poor Tobi was caught in a compromising situation.

Kisame threw him off in disgust, and hunched closer to the wall.

An x-rated kissing session had started near the doors. Tentacles curled through the heated air, twisting and turning with passion. They punctured holes in the thin metal of the van. The light shone through and illuminated blonde hair instead of silver.

"Sasori-danna you're so vicious! Take it easy on me- hm!" Deidara's eyes were closed so thankfully he didn't see that it wasn't his beloved puppet hanging on his lips. Sasori was in fact in the far corner watching with a look of mourning on his face, "Dei-chan...no" he moaned and cried.

In the half light the criminals just had time to duck as a three bladed scythe swung clumsily through the air, raking holes in the sides of the lumbering van. It was aimed at Deidara's neck. Luckily due to way too much alcohol and Pein's drug stash fumes the aim wasn't totally accurate. The scythe hit the door and stuck in just above Kakuzu's head.

"Mother FUCKER!! I don't believe you, you double-crossing, back-stabbing son of a bitch!"

Hidan enraged really was scary, and most of the S-rankers cowered away into the shadows. Kisame leapt up and took Hidan's arms behind his back, disabling him. It was near impossible he'd got over a broken neck this fast, so he wasn't exactly hard to detain. He hit the floor with a crash and a whimper. His scythe fell out of the wall with a clatter and he reached for it on impulse.

"DON'T LET HIM-" someone sensible yelled, but it was already too late, Hidan threw a hurtful look at Kakuzu, a look full of agony beyond the physical. Then he swung the thing, all three blades pointing and shining sharp, forcefully into his own stomach. With a squish and a groan he rolled over and sighed. He was gone again.

"_Why does he __do that_?" Zetsu's pale side viewed the bleeding body.

"I...don't know" answered Kisame shaking his gilled head.

**"He...en****j****oys it?"** Zetsu's evil side offered as an explanation.

Silence filled the cabin again. No one realized that the van had stopped around 5 minutes ago. The engine was still and the wheels had stopped rolling. Everyone started to pick themselves up off the floor, uncomfortably the mystery kissers looked around feeling embarrassed.

Cautiously someone pushed the doors open and stepped out. They were at a gas station, it was full of cars, cars with...sirens and lights.

"Ooh pretty lights!" squealed Tobi pushing to the front,

"No wait!" Sasori called as he climbed over His puppet. 30 policemen turned with spaz shotguns pointed at Tobi's heart. The group peering round the doors of their van stopped in shock.

"Freeze!" called one through a loudspeaker, aiming an air rifle.

"NOW DEIDARA!!" screamed Pein, struggling from the grips of 5 other police

The rock nin needed no further persuasion, he whipped out his clay and made a whole flock of birds which he sent forth into the crowd. For luck he made one dinosaur – don't ask why, no one else did. Don't argue with a drunk guy with explosives.

The birds flew around and exploded causing chaos, a cars tank ignited and blew it sky high. Screams filled the place as the deadly birds ducked and dived before disappearing in a ball of flame and smoke. The police were dropping like flies and running in terror from the dinosaur which had no intention of exploding – only leg-biting. A bird flew into the station shop and blew up inside, the flames burst through the window and licked up the side, everything was on fire.

"She's gonna BLOW!" yelled Itachi running in slow motion towards the drivers seat, the flames neared the petrol pumps and began curling around them. Pein and Konan had broken free of their captors and were trying to make their way to the van through the smoke and flaming tarmac. More explosions rocked the place and the roof began to crumble.

On impulse, Kakuzu rushed inside the shop through one of the broken windows. He hardened his skin to evade the flames and grabbed the red hot till resting on the counter.

"Sweet!" he cooed and leapt back out of the burning building. It didn't cross his mind to save the innocent people within. Only the money must be saved. He ran to catch the rapidly accelerating van and swung in through the open back door. It slammed shut leaving them in darkness again. The van crashed through a hedge and a couple of back gardens. It forced its way through a fence or two and lurched around a pond complete with duckings. The van seemed to have a will of its own, it plunged into a wood and through a bramble thicket leaving scratch marks all down the paintwork. Everyone in the back was at the mercy of every bump and turn, wretchedly they clung on in the dark.

"Itachi can't you DRIVE??" screamed Kisame from the passenger seat, "push on that pedal – NO not that one. We're all going to DIE!!" he'd seen what new terror lay ahead.

The detestable van broke free of the woods clutches, down a steep slope and onto a 6 lane motorway. It would have been ok if they were on the right side.

"Incoming!" screamed Itachi laughing madly. There was no hope of survival if he remained behind the wheel. In desperation the blonde bomber threw the last of his clay out of the holes in the van, it formed into one of his speciality giant birds. Instead of exploding it, which was tempting, he controlled it to pick up the van and carry it on its back. Squinting through the slash marks in the chasse, he directed the bird to a deserted car park.

"I just saved all our lives-un" he exclaimed proudly as the bird hit the ground running. By now all the luggage had been spilled all over the place, clothes littered the floor. Something of interest rattled over to where Kakuzu was kneeling and protecting his head from the onslaught of bad driving. He glanced at it, then picked it up with a smile on his face. This would come in useful later, with a flick he stowed it away inside his cloak.

Sometime later, when everyone was being sick in the car park or laying on the grey concrete thanking lucky stars and gods that they were still breathing, the sky darkened into evening and a certain nearby neon sign became more visible. The golden arches.

"Sempai...!" nagged Tobi pulling on Deidara's sleeve

"...Danna!" crooned Deidara poking Sasori in the head.

No one else had seen it, and infuriatingly they didn't care. Kakuzu was counting his money and occasionally looking at the thing he'd found in the van. Zetsu had caught a stray dog and was eating it behind a rusty container where no one would have to see, Pein and Konan were celebrating the fact that they were still living, but unfortunately doing it where everyone could see.

"Honestly right in the middle of the place!" said Kisame disgustedly as he held back his lovers hair. Poor Itachi had been shaken up by his brief driving experience and was still throwing up. No one had seen Hidan – he was still lying half dead in the darkness of the van.


	5. Mac Donalds says goobye

Road trip part 2

"Dei-chan i'm hungry" whined Tobi and a little tear rolled out of his sharingan and down his orange mask. The sight would pull at the heartstrings of any hardened fighter, even the infamous Pein. He stopped kissing Konan just for one moment, long enough to catch a glimpse of the crying ninja, and at once he changed his mind.

"Ok everyone get back in the van we've gotta go find some food!" he called out to his team spread over the floor. Wearily they shambled over to the van, all matching cloaks and bad hair.

"Erm, we're going to have to lose the cloaks" Konan explained with a look of resignation on her pretty face. "We'd be too suspicious right?"

"Lose the cloaks? You're kidding? This is who we **are** dude!" said her boyfriend."They'll just have to-"

**"Deal with it."** Zetsu finished the sentence and wiped dog blood from around his mouth.

In fear the other ninja backed into the cramped darkness of the van once more, each tripping over the body still curled in a pool of blood in the centre. The atmosphere in the back was pretty normal, carnivorous plants and immortal friends were all in a days work to them. But what was really exiting was going to mac donalds!!

"Drive through or eat-in?" asked Pein who was now back in the drivers seat, whether that was a good thing or not nobody was quite sure.

A variety of voices called out a mixture of things, none of which sounded anything like the two options offered to them.

"..." said Itachi who still felt ill,

"Don't get the fillet, no really it might be a relative" Kisame was trying to persuade everyone.

"I hope I'm not going to have to pay for this..." Kakuzu was getting seriously suspicious by now

" belly belly" sang Deidara who was cleaning clay from the tiny teeth of his hand mouths. The alcohol was still having an effect on him.

Hidan said nothing, the reason being there was no room in his stomach for food – it was all too full of triple-bladed-weaponry. In the front seat Konan was flapping a menu about – who knows how old it was because I'm sure Mc donalds don't do menu's anymore. Sasori of coarse was a puppet and didn't eat – unless it was alcohol or some chemical. So that left Tobi sitting in amongst the chaos. His crocodile tears had got him exactly what he wanted just like a spoilt child, he grinned but no one could see it under his mask.

"Eat in or drive through?" Pein asked again through gritted teeth, then he grew angry. "Oh, since you can't bloody decide, we'll have a mixture of both shall we?" he muttered, his eyes were rolling around crazily and he gripped the wheel so tightly his knuckles turned white. He swung the car around and headed out of the deserted car park and down the road towards the big m sign. Instead of pulling into the drive through lane or finding a parking space, he simply lined the car up squarely with the big glass windows at the front of the building. The engine revved. Konan screamed.

The van hurtled across the ornamental flower bed, over the path and right through the floor-to-ceiling windows. It was surreal but suddenly the van was inside the restaurant, the tyres were skidding on the greasy tiles and the noise was deafening. Broken glass fell down like deadly rain and the customers were running for their lives. Pein's head had hit the windscreen on impact and he was out cold, a trickle of blood ran down his face and Konan took the wheel. The drugs had made her crazy and she put the pedal to the metal aiming right for the counter.

The van jumped forwards and with incredible power it smashed into the cheap plastic of the till counters, the employees ran to save their necks and the entire place was left deserted.

"What are you waiting for?" yelled the Akatsuki woman, she leapt out of the door and began rampaging.

The back doors burst open and the others spilled out into the ruined restaurant, oblivious to the devastation they advanced on the food waiting snugly in the heater.

"Itadakimasu!" cried Deidara, and he rushed at the hot chips with Tobi on his heels. Kisame skirted around the fish fingers and sunk his teeth into a random burger. Itachi, with a yet unheard of sweet tooth, stuck his head under the mc flurry machine and pulled the lever. Ice cream came out, he was happy.

Sasori helped to drag his fallen comrade, Hidan, out of the van and into the light. His head lolled about and more hot blood pumped out of him and onto the floor. A pipe had burst somewhere and water was flooding into the place. The puppet laid Hidan on a bench seat and pulled the scythe out of him. He grunted in what could have been appreciation or pleasure, then passed out before anyone could get so much as a chip between his lips. Zetsu was just rampaging about ripping up chairs and eating happy meal toys. He likes the way they squeaked as he swallowed them whole.

It was a considerably long time before the sirens could be heard in the distance. By then the van was filled up with more cheap plastic toys than Kisame could shake Samehada at, about a years worth of fried food and greasy chips, and thanks to Sasori it was completely devoid of blood. Pein had come round and just had time to have a poke about the back, he'd found the cute little headsets the people used in the drive thru and was playing cops and robbers with Tobi.

Every single one of the tills was gone, and the safe, and any other coinage that could be found. Kakuzu was in money counting heaven and he didn't have to pay for _anything!_He was glad he'd come on this road trip, it was well worth all the hassle and that one weird kiss with a certain blonde.

Once the sirens got dangerously closer, the van was started up once more and the villains cleared the scene before the first siren rounded the corner. If they drove all night they could evade the cops and make it to Sound before the party began. Everyone deserved a smug grin.

* * *

Darkness, the rank smell of cold and congealed food and darkness. Six sleeping bodies and two awake ones filled the back of the van along with the mountain of burgers and toys. One of the awake people was attempting to devour all of the food and the other was dismantling all of the toys and building a monster plastic puppet.

"Never worked with plastic before" mused Sasori as he melted two figurines together, "might work quite well!"

"Mmm" said Deidara through a mouthful of chicken burger. The darkness was so complete, the two ninjas couldn't even see each other and the only noise was the engine and the slow breathing of their criminal friends.

"So what do you think this party will be like?" asked the puppet quietly, "are you hoping to find a girl for the night or something...to dance or whatever"

"hm," began the blonde, switching the eating over to his hand-mouths so he could speak, "that's not really my bag." He blushed; glad that his partner couldn't see.

"So you're not after women then?" asked Sasori, surprised. Maybe it was time to unleash his feelings after all, he'd been hiding it so long.

"No, danna there's only one person on all this earth that I need." Said the blonde in the most serious voice Sasori had ever heard him use. "And that person...is...is"

"Shut it lovebirds if you think that I'm asleep" Pein rattled on the dividing wall between them and the cabin. "Keep it down I don't want to hear it!!"

Deidara hung his head and mumbled into his cloak, "all that we've been through together, all the fights, resurrecting you after that bitch whore Sakura killed you. It's made my feelings stronger. Don't hate me please."

If Sasori could cry he would now, instead he reached a hand out and tried to find his partners hand in the suffocating gloom. He took it and whispered the truths and the secrets he'd kept hidden for months, how he thought Deidara was into kunoichi and ladies, "In that game of truth... when I said I slept with a ho I was lying." He grinned and pulled the blonde closer glad their friendship had matured into something far grander.

Deidara reached forwards and took the smaller nin's head in his hand. The mouths nipped Sasori's ears and he was pulled into a deep kiss. The blonde and the red hair mingled together and with both of their eyes closed they didn't notice the other dudes waking up. Someone flicked on a happy meal torch with illuminated the scene before them.

"Oh Jashin!"

"What the-"

"Gimme that torch!"

"It's mine, give it back!"

"Was that what I though it was...??"

The torch beam flicked around the walls, aiming at anything but the two embarrassed ninja embracing in the dark. The light almost found them, and then Zetsu swallowed it.

"Hey stupid plant!" cried Tobi

"Told you that damn plant was evil!" hollered Pein rapping on the dividing wall again. "He tried to get his flytrap on my stash!"

_"Would have been better for them if I had..."_ muttered Zetsu's pale half. And the others nodded in agreement. The driving would have been a lot less nerve racking if the driver wasn't stoned off his head. But then again, anyone who was sane wouldn't have blown up a gas station, crashed into mac donalds and driven all night just to get to a party.

No on was wearing a watch, but the time outside was approximately 6am on the 31st of December . The red, beaten up and filthy and van passed under a sign which read 'Sound 1mile' and a cheer rose among the ragged group.

"Nearly there!" cheered Kakuzu raising the last bottle of Jack Daniels which he and Hidan then argued about. Was it half full or in fact half empty?

Everyone cheered when they finally rolled into the drive of the large and stately mansion house that the invite had lead them to. The enormous building was made of a dark stone and had acres and acres of grounds, a lake glittered in the morning sun and the wide sloping lawns rolled down to a river. Ivy climbed its way up the front of the building and over some of the windows. The glass in them gleamed like so many blind eyes, and at this angle anyone watching would be totally concealed. A feeling of unease rose in the hearts of the group as they emerged out of the safety of the van.

The gravel crunched under 10 pairs of boots as they made their way around the fountain in the middle of the drive. On closer inspection, the fountain was a sculpture of entwined snakes, each one biting the tail of the other, Sasori glared at Deidara about to engage in another art debate, but the oppression of the moment silenced him. The wrought iron gates creaked slowly shut behind them all on their own and the wind whistled eerily among the chimneys that littered the high roof. 10 heads turned suspiciously and Hidan raised his scythe.

"Put it down!" hissed Konan, "we're here for a _party!_"

"Fuck that, this looks like a set up to me!" he cursed and Tobi covered his ears to block out the foul language.

Just as Pein was about to start the engine again and get the fuck out of here, the massive white front doors opened and a figure strode out. It was none other than Orochimaru himself. His big purple bow bounced and waved in the breeze and his flyaway hair whipped up alarmingly.

"Welcome!" he announced, spreading his arms wide and pausing dramatically at the top of the white marble steps that lead down to the gravel drive.

Sasori straightened up from the fighting stance he'd dropped into and wished he'd brought Hiruka with him. Hidan lowered the scythe slightly but not completely, he hadn't forgotten that time where he'd gotten electrocuted and Orochimaru ran away.

While they were deciding whether to forfeit the whole thing and go straight home, 6 other figures stepped out of the pale oak doors and stood beside their master. They were none other than the sound four, with Kimimaro and Kabuto following behind. With a sick feeling Itachi realized his horrible snotty little brother would be here too, oh he hated when family had to be brought into things.

Pein gave a sigh and started walking forwards. He waved the others forwards, it looked like they were sticking around. Tayuya grinned, she saw a certain pair she needed to catch up with. Her smile faded when she saw Konan was still among them, the two women among a giant group of boys had never got along.

Cloaks swished and purple bows bounced as the criminals said hello, a gathering this big had never been known. If any bounty hunters knew they would have been swarming the place, it was lucky Kakuzu had killed them all for their bounties weeks ago. So with a suspicious and nervous glance, the last one of them passed through the doors and they were shut against the world. The party awaits...

_Hey everyone and thanks for the comments! I wasn't going to write any more but now I think I might, this story is way too much fun. As you might have guessed I recently quit my job at __mac__donalds__ and wanted a bit of revenge! __Haha__ The next chapter may be more tomfoolery or the actual party itself, beware it will be WILD_.


	6. The infamous new years party

THE NEW YEARS PARTY

Since midday when the red ran rolled up there had been talking and drinking in the cavernous lounge. Everyone was sitting in the comfy chairs surrounded by pillows and cushions, Orochimaru really had style when he wasn't hiding out in a cave.

"This is my holiday home!" he'd explained when asked. Everyone was surprised he even took holidays, this place was as big and as luxurious as the playboy mansion. Pein looked around eagerly expecting so see bunny girls appearing any minute. Konan hit him.

The former sannin was an excellent host and lead them on a guided tour of the estate to pass away the dreary afternoon. He had a pool, a lake with a boathouse, two swimming pools one indoor one outside. Hell, there were even battlements along the top of his house for dramatic effect. Betraying his village and leaving Akatsuki seemed to have worked well for him.

At around four o clock they had a great banquet in the largest hall, with turkey and stuffing, roast potatoes and all the rest. Even after all that greasy fast food the night before, the team of 10 were still starving hungry, especially Deidara.

"Must you always eat with your hands?" said Kisame witheringly, he had to sit next to the gross blonde and noticed with a smirk that his ass was considerably bigger than before. Leader was right he thought to himself and made a mental note to listen to him in future.

Everyone was sat around the table, Akatsuki mixed with Sound nin, to Tayuya's delight she'd been placed between her two idols and she looked at them with glassy eyes. They'd hardly noticed her however, they were too busy arguing.

"That's chocolate money you tard! You can't spend it so stop fucking counting it!" Hidan slammed his fist down.

"And I said to leave me alone and eat that steak before I nick it!" Kakuzu snapped back

"I _told_ you I don't eat meat! The whole religion thing not got through to you yet? Seriously you're such a weener!"

Kimimaro was supposed to be sitting next to someone else but he'd pulled strings and shifted name tags so now he was right across from Kabuto. Sasori's former spy winked though his glasses but the white haired man couldn't see, the light was reflecting off them again. He hadn't got any appetite anymore, just wanted to be out of this room and take Kabuto with him...

Orochimaru was standing up to make a speech, but two of his subordinates took an arm each and made him sit down again –he'd had too much to drink and a speech would only be an embarrassment. Sakon stood up with his brothers head sticking oddly out of his neck (remember Sakon and Ukon from the sound four) he opened his mouth to speak but there was too much noise for him to be heard.

The other man banged a spoon lightly on a glass but ended up smashing it. It was Jirabo another of the sound four, big and stupid but renowned for his strength. He grabbed a nearby vase and brought it crashing down over Ukon's head. The tinkling of broken Ming vase silenced everyone, except Kakuzu who was having a hissy fit over the expense of those blue and white monstrosities.

"Happy new year everyone and erm..." the huge man had no words and he muttered into silence then sat down.

"Right on stupid fucking fatso" spat Tayuya and Hidan turned round astonished that anyone had a mouth as foul as his. Before he could say anything Sakon, stood up and tried to do the speech justice before a fight broke out, "I...er..this year isn't going to be any more merry than the last, so drink lots"

"-and rock hard!" his older brother finished. "I think that should do" he muttered in his identical brothers ear, and the Siamese twins sat down.

Kabuto would have made a speech but he was locked in a battle of footsie with the man across from him, Kimimaro was blushing furiously. Pein looked around wondering whether he too should make a speech but no one seemed to care, the noise level had risen again and he searched the 18 faces for Konan. She'd been sat next to a formidable character – Kidomaru (the spidery one from sound four) he was explaining in gory detail how he'd liked to have killed that stupid pest Neji from the leaf village and it was making her sick. She turned a pale face towards her boyfriend and raised her eyebrows. He shrugged his shoulders and basically told her to get on with it.

Further down the huge table Itachi was in a mood as always, he'd been separated from everyone he knew and Orochimaru had drunk his wine, he felt sick from the mc flurry overdose earlier and watching Sakon and Ukon climb in and out of each others bodies was not helping. His eyes were no longer sharingan red but the usual plain black. He noticed with satisfaction that Sasuke was either not here or not invited, that pleased him but he missed being close to Kisame and the comfort of that massive...sword...er...yes, that's what he'd been thinking.

Zetsu was invited to the table for once and he was gnashing on some raw and bloody meat, no one around him was bothered because they were people he already knew – Tobi could hardly see and Kisame didn't give a toss, Sasori wasn't eating anything – only sniffing at the pot of table wax he found on the side.

It was a relief for everyone when the feast was finished and they could get on with the real partying, leaving all the dirty dishes for servants that had been kidnapped no doubt from the surrounding villages.

"Where's this party going to be?" Hidan asked his new friend Tayuya. They got on extremely well and Kakuzu was feeling threatened.

"Oh I dunno, some underground bunker the others have been working on. It's probably shitty knowing them" her voice trailed off as she saw her reflection in his amethyst eyes. It was an awkward moment, one that was mercifully broken by Tobi running headlong into Hidan's leg waving a balloon about,

"Hidan-san come into the bunker its amazing!" he took the priests hand and dragged him out of the house and across the back lawn.

"Tobi-wait" he cried out, stretching out a hand he managed to clasp hold of Kakuzu's jacket and he was pulled in too. Tayuya looked pissed at being left out, but joined them in the bunker all the same.

The place was warm after the night time chill and the lawn was black with dew. The ceiling of the place was quite low and decorations hung from every surface. 18 missing nin crowded into the space and crashed out on chairs, drinks were going round already and a few of the akatsuki were making the most of it.

"Hey pass that bottle over there!" Pein asked Kidomaru who was spinning a web trampoline just outside the door.

"Which one?" the spider lookalike asked back

"Oh any one it's not like it matters" Pein relapsed into a fit of giggles and buried his head in Konan's cleavage.

Orochimaru looked on the scene feeling quite glad he'd left these stupid idiots and gone his own way, a snake coiled up his trouser leg round his stomach and into his mouth. They disgusted him as much as he disgusted them. A figure stood unsteadily up on a table and began to speak,

"H –hey dudes!" It began, then stopped for a short laughing fit. Whoever this was he was a complete lightweight and had got drunk already, "why – why don't we play a game eh eh?" Deidara lost his footing and crashed off the table and into yet another vase. Tobi took his place. He leapt up on the table and yelled

"Hide and seek!! Last one out the bunker counts to...to" his small voice faltered, he could neither count nor write.

"200" Kabuto hissed out of the corner of his mouth and slid closer to the door.

"Last person out has to count to 200!" Tobi jumped off the table and swung from the chandelier, he landed on Jirubo's large shoulders and was carried out into the night. Sasori was holding someone down with his chakra stings to make sure he wasn't the last one out. He wasn't sure who he'd got but they were putting up one hell of a fight, once the stampede of immature villains had cleared screaming and yelling out of the room he got a closer look.

One bent leaf poking out from behind a sofa was all he needed to know. A low growl confirmed his fears.

"Zetsu-san I'm sorry I-"

**"What is the meaning of this Sasori?"** the angered Venus flytrap was quivering in annoyance. **"Am I to understand I am included in this game of yours?"**

"Yes, you have to count to 200 then come and find us" Sasori said then turned and ran. Zetsu had always scared him. On his way across the lawn he came across a body in the grass, it was his blonde friend. The puppet scooped him up and ran into the mansion again, finding a place to hide was of the utmost importance. Especially since Zetsu was coming to get them.

Inside the house the sound of pounding feet was everywhere, everyone had split up and got lost in the massive house. 4 staircases and at least 3 floors, a basement and an attic, not to mention the swimming pools and the roof, it provided an infinite amount of hiding places. Kisame was running alongside Pein, they were sprinting along a 2nd floor balcony. Pein's piercings were sparkling in the light cast by the arc lights below and he was staggering due to too much to drink. Kisame flipped him off then jumped, he flew through the air and landed in the ice cold water of the pool far below. He could hide here for a nice long time and have a free swim.

The Leader leaned over the railing wondering where the shark man had gone. He was then struck by an idea. Konan was gone, the house was a Playboy mansion and he had some good shit still left in his pocket. Tonight was going to be fun!

Tayuya hadn't got such a good deal, she'd been knocked down in the stampede and now her two heroes were gone. She'd sprained her ankle and her flute had got bashed. Limping round the outside of the house she saw a familiar orange mask bobbing up and down behind a barn. She raised a hand in greeting and Tobi did the same. He came out to help her into the safety of the barn and under some hay to hide. Once they were snug inside a massive mountain of dry hay he whispered to her.

"I can't hear a bloody word you're saying Tobi – the mask muffles your speech" she hissed

Then Tobi did what no one had ever dreamed of, he reached behind his head and untied the mask. Slowly and carefully he removed it, revealing a face handsome enough to rival Itachi. One sharingan eye blinked in the dim light and locks of glossy black hair cascaded around his pale skin. Tayuya was shocked into silence. Why would anyone with such good looks hide themselves behind a mask?

"I said do you want to come closer? It's cold in here you'll get sick." Tobi's voice sounded different without the mask, sort of deeper and husky. Without hesitating Tayuya wriggled closer, she lost her hat and her bow had come undone, her red hair spilled out over her eyes and she couldn't see what Tobi did next. He reached to cup her chin in his hands and planted a delicate kiss on her lips. Her brown eyes stared out and she blushed. What was happening? Was this love?

Back inside the house another argument was raging.

"It's MY trampoline! Get your own!"

"Just stick me to the roof that's all I'm asking! I'm sure you can manage it!"

Kidomaru and Konan were arguing in the doorway at the front of the house. The door was open and the sound of the fountain could be heard in the distance. A giant web trampoline took up most of the drive and Kidamaru was jumping on it.

"Stick you to the roof? No one would find you up there that's for sure, but how long do you want to be up there?" he waved six arms, shook his ponytail and did a backflip. "Pretty lady, I'll stick you up there but there's a price..."

"Oh fuck go on then!" she didn't care much, she hoped Pein would see – she liked him better when he was angry. The trampoline was oddly soft when she jumped up onto it; it was made of spider silk and was especially springy. She got to her feet and Kidomaru the sound nin was upon her in an instant. He wasn't that good looking but there wasn't really time to think about that. His hot mouth pressed up against hers and his sweet tongue caressed her lips before entering. A pair of arms were around her shoulders, two gripped her waist and the other two...She grinned, Kidomaru definitely had the upper hand on Pein when it came to this.

"Join me on the roof?" she offered, breaking their perfect kiss

"For you, pretty lady I would shoot Orochimaru"

Back inside the house, Sasori was having problems dragging his friend inside. He'd collapsed twice under the weight of Deidara and was sitting panting on the floor. The blonde was just laying there giggling. Sasori glanced round at him slowly, without his cloak on (it had fallen off in the stampede) his whole body was pretty much on display. Ghetto booty and all. Deidara stopped laughing seeing the look on his partners face.

"Danna?" he asked, and looked down at himself. His pants were tight across his big ass and it was driving Sasori kinda crazy. He shifted himself so his ass wasn't so badly in sight and glared unsteadily back. "Danna...what?"

A wide grin spread across Sasori's face as he remembered their little encounter in the van, he was about to move in on his stricken friend when a movement in the garden startled him. The blood drained from his face-Zetsu was coming.

"Dei-chan get up we gotta hide now!" he jumped to his feet and legged it to the door, Deidara took a while to get up, he was trying to stand in a way that hid his large behind as much as possible. When he'd eventually got to his feet the puppet had gone, leaving a lingering smell of potent chemicals. He looked towards the door but didn't see Zetsu standing there. It was Hidan.

"Get the fuck out of the way!" he yelled and fell through the door, he had a pole sticking out of his chest again and his eyes were full of pain.

"You seen Zetsu? Where is he? He's going to get Sasori-danna" Deidara babbled and waved his hands, the mouths were chattering adding to the noise. Hidan glared his pretty purple glare and sighed.

"I've been out there in the cold doing a ritual right because I forgot to say grace at dinner time and all you have to say is some shit about chasing Zetsu?" He pushed past the blonde and stopped again. "Have you put on weight or something? Seriously!"

Before a reply could form in his head he saw something else scampering across the moonlit garden,

"INCOMING!!" he yelled and grabbed the priest. Together they ran up two or three flights of stairs and into a large bedroom. "Quick under the bed!" Deidara squealed in panic. He got on his knees and was about to squeeze under when he realized two things. One: his ghetto booty would never fit under there and two: Hidan was still impaled on a pike and he probably couldn't fit that under the bed either.

"In the wardrobe, numpty!" Whispered Hidan and jumped inside, Deidara followed and closed the door behind him. Silence and darkness followed where they listened for Zetsu, he wasn't coming. A horrible sucking noise broke their silence. The bomber looked around at his companion. Hidan had his back to him and was slowly pulling the pike out of his body, blood splashed up the walls.

"Aw you're sick man!" he complained

"Shut the fuck up you homo!" he gasped, he could hardly form the words because he was putting everything into not screaming aloud. Another ragged breath and it was out, it clattered to the floor. "Phew" he said. Deidara stood in shock and pressed his eye to the gap between the doors, someone had just walked into the room.

Orange hair, silver piercings and staggering in an odd way. It was their leader. He flopped down on the kingsize bed the pair had tried to hide under earlier and started to talk to himself.

"Where are all the bunny girls anyway? I searched everywhere, not one!" he rambled into mutterings. An idea occurred to Hidan and he looked across at the other nin in the closet. There was a lot of women's clothing here, and Deidara was feminine enough already-as well as drunk.

"Dei-chan, I have an idea to get us out of here" he whispered into his ear, and Deidara giggled again. 10 minutes later he emerged from the closet dressed in a pink silk night gown and knee high socks. He had his hair done up to look like two floppy bunny ears and pink eye shadow was smeared unskilfully over his big blue eyes. The scouter had gone from his left eye and he was sporting rabbit shaped clip on earings. He waltzed over to Pein trying to do a sexy walk, inside the wardrobe Hidan was almost dying with muffled laughter.

"I hear you're looking for the bunny girls" said Deidara in a horrible impression of a female voice. He sat down on the bed and made it tip so badly his Leader rolled into his lap.

"I...I...found you bunny lady!" Pein laughed and his head flopped into what would have been another girls cleavage. It was in fact a bra stuffed with socks. He was thankfully too drunk to notice.

That was officially as far as the plan went, they were both supposed to escape now but it seemed the two men were having too much fun. Shocked at Deidara's lack of loyalty to Sasori, Hidan slipped out of the wardrobe and out of the door, leaving them to their gay transvestite pleasures and wishing he'd taken more pictures with the scouter. Without his scythe he could run faster and he legged it down to the basement to find a better place to hide. The house was still silent, a creak of a floorboard here and there indicated more people creeping about looking for trouble. Down in the basement the only sound was the steady drip drip of a leaky tap. The dust was thick on the stairs and muffled his footsteps, he turned round to shut the door and was rewarded with a stabbing pain from the wound in his chest, right above his heart. He gasped and his small voice echoed round the damp room.

"Who's there?" said another voice – he wasn't alone down here. Hidan dropped to the floor and reached for a weapon, whoever was in here it better not be Orochimaru.

"Is that Zetsu?" he called and prepared to run if the answer was yes.

"No" came the voice from the darkness and the person came closer, he was silhouetted against one single candle which burnt in the background. Even with no light Hidan would know who this was. Four tentacles extended and picked him up, he didn't struggle, he'd trust this man to pull him apart and put him back together again.

"Kakuzu..." he rolled the name around in his mouth as if tasting it like a fine wine. They touched lightly and even that was enough to get his heart pumping double time. Kakuzu's lips brushed slightly over his and he felt his arousal rising already beneath his pants. The proximity between the two was slowly shrinking and Hidan's face grew hot with blushing. His soft breath flowed across his partners skin and the taller man let out a deep breath he'd been holding.

Discarding his cloak and letting it drop to the floor, Hidan embraced the chilly temperature of their underground hideout, topless as ever he hissed when Kakuzu's cold hand trailed across his chest, towards his heart. The hand stopped however, when it reached the tormented flesh of the stab wound. Questioning green eyes met guilty violet ones and Hidan looked away.

"Why?" asked Kakuzu not for the first time. He gently took the priests head in his hand and turned his gaze back until their eyes locked. Taken in by the intensity of the gaze, Hidan leaned in and kissed the other man. His tongue explored the stitches in Kakuzu's face and moved onto his lips. After a moment of hesitation, he kissed right back with passion. Hidan's thoughts wandered, his partner was a walking sex bomb, everything about him caused erotic thoughts to flit through the priests mind. He never said that, but actions spoke louder than words,

Kakuzu's actions were speaking loudly and he looked down with desire in his eyes. What should he do with him? Beat him until he breaks? He knew that Hidan liked it that way but was it cruel to abuse him every time they came together? Maybe he should tie him up down here and leave him for a bit. His thoughts were disturbed as Hidan started to take the dominant side, he was being pushed backwards into a wall. His back slammed up against the brickwork and the silver haired nin was standing up on his toes to deepen the kiss. He groaned aloud and raised his hips, they were grinding together, he could feel his partners hardened shaft pressing up against his inner thigh. He threw back his head and Hidan bit down on his neck, drawing blood.

What a sweet pleasure it was to spill Kakuzu's blood for once, he slammed him harder against the wall and grunted with the effort. There was a reason he was the submissive one – he wasn't all that strong compared to his partner. In anger he reached up to the other mans shoulders and ripped his cloak off, and the next layer of clothes. He threw them viciously to the ground and trod on them. The candle went out and plunged them into total darkness, Hidan began to grind onto his partner again, slowly and sensually moving into him. He drove his hips forwards hard enough for it to hurt and Kakuzu let out a moan in protest. He placed both hands on the lightning nins shoulders and pushed down on them.

Hidan had one leg either side of the green eyed man and they slowly slid to the dirty floor. It was uncomfortable sitting on Kakuzu's knees but at least their faces were closer than ever. The latter opened his mouth to speak but before he'd even got one syllable out, Hidan's tongue was in. Roughly he was shoved aside,

"What the fuck, kakuzu!?" he spat angrilly, "First you want it, then you don't?"

"If you open your mouth again I swear I'm gonna break it" was the reply

"Wanker! Like to see you tr-" before he could finish his sentance a fist came out of nowhere and smacked him right across the face. He went sprawling across the room and rolled into a puddle, blood leaked from his mouth but he laughed. The sound was eerie in the dripping dark cellar, as were Kakuzu's luminous green eyes. The eyes approached him and looking up from his position on the floor Hidan felt a stab of fear, he may be immortal but kakuzu could do anything to him. He was bigger, stronger and better at being dominant.

The purple eyes showed fear, Kakuzu noticed so he began his work gently. It was difficult to restrain himself, he wanted to stab and rip and - stop thinking like that allready! He pulled away his trousers until he was standing there in only a loose pair of boxers. Hidan stood too and glared defiantly up into his face, with one quick gesture he pulled away the belt holding up his own pants and they fell to the floor leaving him standing in only a pair of...

Ha! going to leave it there to keep you all hanging by a thread. Requests accepted!! seriously if u hav any gd ideas tell me and ill add them all in, im off at colege tmoz but there u go. Leave a review!


	7. New years party 2

NEW YEARS PARTY PART 2

He wasn't really hiding, anyone could tell that. It was as if he was too grown up for this game and was merely lingering in the shadows of his masters house. He leaned with his back against the wall and took his glasses off, he could hardly see anything without them but right here it was too dark to see anything anyway. A clock on the wall told him it was 10:15pm. The game had been going on for a while now and he'd seen no one, heard no one. He let out a deep breath and silver vapour escaped from his mouth, he closed his eyes and wished he could spend this time in someone else's company.

Kimimaro placed a booted foot on the stair and crept up slowly. He knew Kabuto's favourite haunt, at the very top of the stairs and to the left in front of the statue of Orochimaru's mother. The statue was outrageously ugly but behind it was a secret dumb waiter – a lift used to smuggle things in and out of the house by means of a pulley system. Sometimes he thought Kabuto must climb into it because he seemed to disappear and re appear at will. The last step passed beneath his shoe and to his left, almost concealed by the darkness was the medical ninja. His face was obscured and his glasses could reflect no light, with only a faint swish he stepped backwards and was gone from view. Curious, Kimimaro hurried to the place where only a moment before his crush stood looking amazing in the last hours of this old year. He peered into the gloom and saw to his surprise Kabuto standing in a hidden section behind the wall, it was like an extra room swinging slightly on ropes and chains that would allow it to move freely up and down inside the house like a lift.

He opened his mouth to ask, but his friend placed a cold finger to his blood red lips and guided him inside. The doors slid shut silently and they were pressed together in the tiny space no larger than a broom cupboard. The swing and sway of the room caused them to lean into each other and before long the temperature of the room had risen considerably. Kabuto leaned casually against the wall and brought the white haired mans hips slowly against his own. Their faces were inches apart but without light or glasses Kabuto was blind. He stretched out his neck to find some lips to kiss but found only a neck which he nuzzled fondly.

"This games kinda stupid, right?" drawled Kimimaro into his friends ear

"Yeah but we bagged the best hiding place by far, even their plant-man couldn't find us in here..."

As soon as the words were out of his mouth the lift gave a violent shudder and plunged down a few feet. Kimimaro felt a draught at his back and looked round in horror expecting to see Orochimaru's face peering in. If he knew about them there would be trouble – a lot of trouble. Both men turned and felt exposed in an incriminating position, but it wasn't their boss trying to force his way into the lift – it was Zetsu.

"**Stupid plant-man huh?**** I've been called that three times now and I've had enough of being ****It****,"**

_"Come here and let me tag you..."_

**"Or we'll tell ole '****rochy**** what you've been up to!"**

The last bit was said in a strange singsong voice that no one ever heard Zetsu use again. He put his hands on the inside of the doors and tried to force them apart. In a panic Kimimaro pressed his back against the wall and started to scream and cough – he was terminally ill after all. Kabuto reached over to the panel in the wall and hit it as hard as he could. The lift shot downwards at the speed of light, the chains rattling and shaking as the lift literally fell through the house. The two lover's hair stood up on end and they clung to each other and watched Zetsu's face get smaller and smaller as they fell into the darkness.

Somewhere in the basement, the lift slowed to a stop and Kimimaro fell to his knees shaking. Kabuto slumped to the floor and closed his eyes -it had been a narrow escape. Silence filled the small space, and he shifted closer to the sick ninja beside him for comfort. He listened - through the thin bricks in the walls a lot of noise could be heard. A cacophony of different sounds; crashing, hissing, squealing. He nudged Kimimaro and nodded his head in the direction of the outer room, they pressed their ears against the wall and listened closely...until two names were mentioned.

"_Kakuzu..."_

"Hidan."

Kimimaro's eyes grew wide in astonishment, they'd stumbled upon the two men making out just as they had done. He winked at Kabuto forgetting he could hardly see and prodded him in the ribs.

"I knew it!" he hissed! "when I saw them arguing at dinner I thought they were just like a married couple, lets go say hello shall we?"

Kabuto tried to stop him but the doors were already thrown open, a little light illuminated the scene before them. Kakuzu was standing in the middle of the room half naked, all the stitching in his body was showing, Hidan was standing so close to him it was difficult to distinguish between them. The pair stood in a puddle and as they turned to see who'd caught them at it, Kabuto and Kimimaro gasped.

Hidan was standing there in only a pair of...

In his hiding place, Jirobu sniggered. Nobody could find him ever! He'd hidden himself so well he would win this game for sure. He'd heard everyone else running about, screaming or laughing and thought to himself how clever he actually was. Here he lay, snug and hidden and Zetsu could not see him. Zetsu had in fact just opened the door and seen a huge man trying to hide under a pitifully small rug, he'd closed the door in embarrassment and pretended not to see a grown man playing hide and seek for real.

Down in the great hall, Sakon and Ukon were debating what to do with the set up they'd come across. A giant disco ball hung from the ceiling and a load of brand new lighting had been put up around the walls. Massive speakers took up a lot of space on a new stage that had been built, and a dj's mixing desk stood between them. The floor had been done over in metal plating and a few floor-to-ceiling poles had been set up on mini stages scattered throughout the room. A microphone was standing alone and ominous on the stage as if promising a chance of karaoke. Sakon smiled, he was the tops at karaoke.

"We need to tweak this crib a little" suggested his brother,

"I have a great idea..." said Sakon, high fiving his brother.

Half an hour later they snuck out of the huge double doors that had been done over in chrome, inside the hall gleamed with new equipment and the dj's desk was stacked with new cds. A surprise hung suspended in the roof and Orochimaru was going to get the fright of his life when he found out what they'd done.

The boss himself was chillin with Sasori his ex akatsuki partner. They sat by the pool and watched Kisame do laps, the whole scene was lit up by expensive floor lights. Orochimaru sipped a cocktail and shrugged off his loose purple bow and shirt. Underneath was his gangsta gear.

Sasori choked back a laugh. The get-up was horrendous, a bright yellow matching tracksuit with white stripes down the sides. Chunky white trainers and even chunkier gold jewellery really made it larger than life.

"I got the house, I got the ride, I got the look too...innit" drawled Orochimaru in an awful American accent and nodded his head as if he expeted the puppet master to be jealous. Kisame gave him a wink from the chilly water and almost drowned when Orochimaru pulled out a pair of oversized black sunglasses and slipped them on.

"I...erm...yeah" muttered Sasori and looked at anything else except the wannabe rapper he was sitting next to. He was saved a reply when a door burst open in the house behind him, the sound of breaking glass followed. Running footsteps on the 1st floor balcony signalled someone getting closer. Sasori dropped down behind the deckchairs and Orochimaru tried to hide in his luminescent suit, kisame went underwater – they thought Zetsu was coming to get them.

"Kisame! HELP! He's comiiiiinnnng!!"

A terrified voice wailed from the balcony and a body hurtled through the night. Sasori looked up in time to see an akatsuki cloak come soaring through the air and crash into the pool. The water exploded in a million crystal droplets and Kisame surfaced with a grin on his face. A second later the mystery person burst through the water and gasped for breath. It was Itachi.

"Nice of you to join us" said Orochimaru-gone-gangsta, "how about we get the disco going now?" he got up and ushered everyone else back into the house. The two dripping shenobi followed sulkily, they'd never made out in a pool before.

20 minutes later everyone had assembled in the hall. Konan's hair was messed up and Kidomaru was smiling broadly, Pein glared but he had pink lipstick smeared all over his face and was holding hands with Deidara in a tight dress. Tobi and Tayuya stood proudly at the front of the crowd, the mask was off and staying off it seemed, Jirobu was nowhere to be seen- it seemed he was determined to win the game and so the whole disco thing must be a trick to get him to come out. Orochimaru was on the stage parading up and down in his new gear and doing the 'rapper walk' which everyone was trying to ignore.

Sasori had raided the garage and was content with a bottle of evil smelling liquid that he was sniffing in a dark corner, Zetsu had run in and declared that he'd found everyone and now he was allowed to eat someone. Sakon suggested he eat Ukon, and Ukon had said Sakon was more tasty, they were still arguing at the back of the room.

Itachi and Kisame were soaking wet and had tried to escape back to the pool 3 times, but Orochimaru said he wouldn't allow them to do _that _in his pool.

That only left the two pairs of lovers. The sound nin were huddling as far from Kakuzu and Hidan as they could – they had seen all to much of that makeout session. Besides, Hidan was still wearing nothing more than...

"Speedos!" he squealed and he jumped onto the first pole he came across as soon as the music started playing. Sakon had good music taste and the handsome nin had replaced Orochimarus horrible music with a good selection of Korn, Sepultura and Marilyn Manson. Look Away by Korn had started playing and Hidan started spinning, everyone took that as a cue to dance as well.

"Hey this song kinda reminds me of you and me" he shouted at Kakuzu through the din, and swung on the pole seductively. His rosary bounced on his chest and shone in the light from the disco ball. The style of dancing going on in the hall was dirty, and when I say dirty I mean _filthy_!

Kisame had never danced before and Itachi was having a lot of fun teaching him.

"You swing your hips that way and then that way..." chuckled the sharingan user with his hands resting on the shark mans waist, "honestly, how about I give you a demo?" Itachi sprang out into the middle of the dancefloor and dragged Kisame with him, they knocked everyone else out of the way except Orochimaru who owned the floor with his amazing breakdancing.

Itachi spun and clasped his hands behind his partners neck he swung his hips expertly and Kisame fell into the rhythm beside him, they'd really got the hang of it and both were enjoying themselves more than ever. The music pumped out louder and the first of Ukon's surprises exploded from the machines arranged around the room.

"What the fuck! Where'd this stuff come from?" yelled Hidan from his pole, he tried to climb up it away from the advancing foam that was filling the room.

"Ah! Its everywhere, help" shouted Kakuzu from his seat on the stage where Hidan was dancing. He picked some of it up and wiped it on the other guys leg.

"Ha, its on you now, there's no escape" he wolf whistled and shoved Hidan off the pole and into the stuff. The foam was an odd pink colour and looked good in his hair, for the first time Kakuzu shook off the scarf that covered his head and floppy black hair spilled down to his shoulders. He still refused to dance.

Nearby Tobi and Tayuya were doing the dance they'd seen on the old movie Dirty Dancing, Tobi was standing with his knees bent and his arms under Tayuya's back, he was swinging her left and right and the foam was creeping up their bodies. It had filled the room at waist height and everyone's clothes were pretty much ruined.

The expert trampoline designer Kidomaru had made a web in between the three poles. Him and Konan were bounding around on it with bottles of something fizzy and alcoholic in their hands. Konan's eyes were crossed and every now and then she bounced off in the wrong direction, Kidomaru took great pleasure in 'rescuing' her each time. Pein had no time for sending her glares, he was too busy watching two 'bunny girls' dance around the same pole. Someone had re-united him with some good shit and he was watching the multicoloured display of feminine posing with relish. Later he would find out that Deidara did like to wear a dress every now and then, and tonight he was flaunting his new curves in someone else's too-small pink nightgown. If Pein chose to believe he was a bunny girl then great, as long as the other girl would piss off.

Orochimaru had had even more to drink since he was kicked off his own stage. He'd –shock horror- put on Eminem then tried to rap along. Sasori viciously booted him off and put Korn back on. He liked the effect the heavy metal music had on Hidan and Kakuzu's dancing. Anyway after being rejected by his 'homies', Orochimaru had put on a skirt and come back dressed as a rude girl. He'd immediately been molested by the Leader of Akatsuki and made to dance around a pole, he had to admit it was quite fun, and he liked the approving looks he was getting when he pointed his toes like _this_, and gripped his stuffed bra like _that._

The party carried on way into the night, and at midnight Sakon released the surprise hidden in the roof. On the last chime of the massive clock the brothers had rigged up, he pulled a cord and a million purple and red balloons were released from the ceiling. They floated down gracefully and stuck in the foam. Unfortunately, Ukons prankster side had come through and most of the balloons were filled with multicoloured goo which exploded on impact. He'd needed Deidara's help with this one and the effects were hilarious. Kimimaro's white hair was stained pink from the stuff which Kabuto had rubbed into it, and Hidan's silver hair was turning green from the chemicals in the exploding balloons.

His attention was distracted from this, however when Kakuzu pulled out the curious item he'd stashed away days ago when the van crashed. Reaching into his cloak he pulled out a shiny white instrument and waved it in the priests face.

"What the hell is that?" he asked rudely as he was disturbed from his erotic pole dancing. He'd smeared the multicoloured goo on himself and now he glowed in the dark.

"This, my friend, is something that belongs to out beloved Leader..."

"Oh that stoner, ha lets have a look then"

Kakuzu gave him a better look at the thing before shoving it at his ear and firing at least 6 times. Hidan wasn't expecting it,

"Oh Jashin-sama you motherfucker what have you done!" he wailed, he raised his free hand to his ear and it came back bloody. He smiled strangely, "This...hurts"

"This is Pein's piercing gun! Thought you might enjoy testing it out!" Kakuzu grinned a big grin and examined his handiwork, his partner now had 6 shiny metal earings all round his ear. In a flash Hiadn had snatched the gun back off him and managed to unload 3 more into kakuzu's nose.

"Arrrcgh you bastard! Not my nose I'm already scarred enough right?" Kakuzu grabbed Hidan's wrist and squeezed until he dropped the gun. He waved it around as if deciding where to attack next. Hidan leaned in closer to the taller man and smiled up into his face, he blew a raspberry and the gun was shoved into his mouth. Two shots and his mouth was full of blood.

"Aw oo baftarb" he spluttered and shook his head. Kakuzu nodded approvingly, threw the empty gun into the foam, and pulled Hidan into a bloody kiss. The pain and the close proximity turned him on and he backed Hidan into the pole. Hidan's head was tilted back and his spine crunched as the pressure holding him to the pole increased, the music seemed to grow ever louder and the alcohol had seeped into his brain. There was nothing else except him and Kakuzu. He raised his hips and ground them every so slightly against the others.

"_Kuku_" he moaned and Kakuzu slapped him

"'Kuzu 'I can put up with but 'Kuku'? Hell no!"

As if for punishment the taller man shoved him harder against the pole until he cried out, two tentacles slipped out and flicked the switch on the smoke machines installed by Sakon and Ukon. The smoke shrouded them and nobody could intrude. Kakuzu's hands moved gradually up to Hidan's neck where they stopped. His thumbs crossed and his long fingers interlocked around the delicate neck. Hidan's purple gaze fixed on his partners green one and Kakuzu began to grip. He squeezed harder and tighter until the air was cut off from the priests lungs, being immortal that wasn't a problem for him and his eyes glazed over with pleasure. He felt 8 nails dig into his skin and inside he was sure he felt blood vessels burst, but still he wasn't done. He would try and speak but everything in his throat had become mangled. With the last of his strength he put his hands flat on Kakuzu's broad chest and shoved him with all his might. Kakuzu lost his footing and disappeared into the foam. Hidan chuckled and went to have a go on the trampoline.

Sasori emerged from his dark corner which was the last place to be infected with pink foam and balloons. The bottle of stuff was gone – he'd drunk it and nothing had happened. He was pissed off because his partner was embarrassing him by belly dancing around a pole in front of their leader. Well he wasn't sure if it was meant to be belly dancing, but that's how it was coming across. Poor Dei-chan couldn't help it. The stitches in the pink dress were straining and it wouldn't be long before...

"Daaannnnaaaa!!!"

Sasori hung his head in shame and tried to shuffle back to the garage but two strong hands gripped him and pushed him towards the pole where Deidara was standing trying to hold his dress together.

"**Go sort the little brat out please?**"

"_Little?"_

"**Shut up no one asked you"**Zetsu argued with himself, and Sasori looked up from the foam and goo and smoke to his half naked partner covered in lipstick and make up. He was trying to hide himself behind Orochimaru but the snake man was all skin and bone. Sasori felt as if he was here but his mind was elsewhere, he looked mournful, his eyes were rolling, he was falling...falling... His head hit the floor and he lay still – passed out. People carried on dancing around him, and the party carried on.

It wasn't long before the casualties stated mounting up. Konan fell off the trampoline and hit her head, Kidomaru tried to save her and ended up landing on his neck – never drink and jump, they lay under the foam in a coma of sorts. Pein got over exited and made a move on Orochimaru who didn't hesitate to send a poisonous snake to bite him where he'd know about it. As the poison took effect, Orochimaru took liberties with Pein's stash. After consuming the rest of the bag he found out it didn't go so well with his medicine, he slumped against the stage and his eyes rolled heavenwards.

Deidara tried to flee the scene but didn't get very far, he tripped up on his broken dress and went head over high heels into the buffet table. He stayed there, in munchy hand heaven, Leader would have a lot to say about it if he was conscious. As for Itachi and Kisame, they were laying fast asleep on a couch at the side. Too much hip swaying and spinning around had them so worn out they could sleep through the soulful sounds of Sepultura. Zetsu had taken charge of the music and he enjoyed flapping his flytrap to death metal, for once there was a grin on his face!

Tobi and Tayuya had slowed to a romantic waltz, they were totally consumed by love and hadn't noticed their friends slipping into unconsciousness around them. When the music changed to Zetsu's new favourite band they hit the bar – hard. A toast to love, a toast to masks, a toast to music. It wasn't long until they were helpless and giggling like schoolchildren.

Sakon and Ukon were doing allright. They'd managed to keep out of trouble and refrain from grossing everyone out all night. They were just heading out when something under the foam tripped them up – it was the piercing gun. They went down with a thud and got a mouthful of toxic foam. Sakon choked then a body fell out of nowhere – it was Kakuzu and he knocked them out by accident. The twins lay on the floor – out cold and didn't wake up until the next morning.

Hidan was in his element – he had the trampoline to himself and no one else could watch him jumping up and down in his speedo's, well except Zetsu who was being a dj, and Kakuzu who was watching from the shadows. Neither of whom cared much. The trampoline was suspended high above the sleeping bodies, foam, mess, balloons, spilt alcohol and discarded clothes. Hidan did a backflip and Zetsu closed his eyes, he really wasn't into men, especially drunken backflipping priests. Kakuzu on the other hand was driven crazy and he rugby tackled the silver haired nin and brought them crashing down over the side.

There was a sickening crack and a torrent of swearwords. It was just their bad luck that the scythe was laying hidden under the mess, it had gone straight through Hidan and stopped one of Kakuzu's hearts. The two just lay there impaled as the sun rose slowly outside the wrecked house. The room was silent except for the sound of Zetsu eating Sakon's prized cd collection and the steady sound of sleeping ninja.

"Happy fucking new year" sighed Hidan


End file.
